Category: Share your Work Series

Today marks the 5 year the anniversary of the Bon Jovi concert at the Goffertpark in Nijmegen.
And they’re currently building a similar stage there for concerts on the 18th and 19th (Rammstein) and the 27th and 29th (Bruce Springsteen).
Maybe the memory of 2019 did trigger something with me this week since I was completely and utterly taken down, at a point where I thought my medication was by now protecting me against out-of-the-blue fallout.

So either it is not protecting me the way I thought;
Or having a flashback to the last pre-pandemic year that was our last year of normal, before Covid hit;
And my last year of normal before my physical sickness set in-
does not exactly count as “out of the blue”.

Suffice to say I did not intend to lose yesterday and today, and God forbid this demon is still here tomorrow.

But today, when I encountered the concert venue Goffert park in Nijmegen in a stage of being built up, I took a photo and for some reason thought it was time for a health update.

Something I have been avoiding for the longest time, and even now I m like: “But what am I gonna say? It’s not like you’re really sick!”
And it’s true; If you take blood work, blood pressure and about half a dozen clinical screenings as a standard, then nothing is wrong with me.
However, if you count constantly having noise in your head as if different conversations, thoughts and music are playing all at once, and waking up sick every morning, and to this day (apparently) still prone to being awake until the birds start singing sporting impeccable sleep hygiene the night before (me, I don’t know about the birds), and realizing that if you would have had any appointments before noon that day, you would have had to cancel, but you have been living with this for so long, that you have learned not to book anything AM;
And if you count that?

Well, then something is, very wrong.

In April I was put on medications (hormones) and what followed was the immediate and complete disappearance of all my misery.
Only to then have it crash and burn, when something really intense happened, or at least it was really intense for me, and it gave me a lot of stress.
It was like the stress burned right through the hormones, and I have been finding my path back to those blissful ten days or so ever since. When I was my old (or “young”), healthy self.
Someone whom, as I came to realize, I had not been since 2017.

The pills brought me back and I could think clearly, and I realized how heavy the burden of these last years had been.
And that I had lost myself even more, and earlier, meaning longer ago, than I had been acknowledging.
And I had also strayed way further off-path, to a literal shadow of my former self, where only the darkness was defining me.

I became A Searcher.
Looking not for a higher spiritual meaning, but for down to earth solutions on how to get the f out of here.
But the only thing I had found was how much I hated life and everything in it. Which was an attitude that was entirely not-me.

Until 2018, I had been a happy go lucky kind of girl.
And I hope that with the right lifestyle, and by removing the triggers such as the one that bombed it ten days into taking hormone therapy, I can get this up and running again.
Because now that I have seen the light, and know something could be done, I want my life back.

This week I dug deep into the matter.
I was absolutely determined to get to the bottom of what it was that had caused the meltdown, from which I was now about 70, 80 percent recovered.
What was it about this trigger, that had been so devastating?
I knew it was critical I got to know my “nemesis”. I needed to know everything there was to know about this trigger, cut it from my life and seal all doors through which it could possibly wiggle its diabolical ass back in.

If I would fail I would always be at risk of my life bottoming out, at any moment.
Every time it threw me off, precious lifetime would be lost, and on top of all the years already down the drain. 
I had to find it, and I had to proverbially kill it.
This “thing” whatever it was, that had robbed me of my healing.

By the time I was done, the day had gone by.
The job was done and I knew the demon better than they knew themselves.
I was confident this was now settled.

Until last night and this morning of horrors, and for reasons unknown to Man let alone to me, I woke up as if it was March 2020.
And it started all over again.
The sickness.
The headache.
The loneliness.
The brutal night without sleep that had made me feed it my morning, in order to get at least some hours of sleep.

And I realized: It, is still alive.
This monster cannot be killed by removing the bells (the triggers) from my life that wake it. 

It was the day of the 5 year anniversary of the concert in the Goffert, of Bon Jovi, and my mood, my health, and even my life, were a stark contrast to the woman I was that day.
There seemed little reason for a celebration.

The concert 5 years ago, had brought me back on “the Jovi train”, but had also marked the return of inspiration!
What I call my Rock Star era;

The vision to become a Rock Star Writer as well as the vision to start teaching Rock Star Yoga.
They both have their roots at that concert, 13th June 2019.
Initially I leaned more towards the yoga, then it became writer, and now it is both.

Or it will be both, when I have found that happy go lucky Suzanne again, instead of Dark Suzy, who I have become.

And if not, we’ll just have to make do.
I’m not giving up on this.

Because I believe that ultimately, either you have a story to tell, either you have a message and you vow you will get it out, regardless of how many short-cuts you have to take, or how dirty and quick and how “dangerously winging it”, you need to go, in order to get it done.

Or you rely on talent and skill and mastery, and being polished and all mighty in your field.
All, things alien to me.

Let’s get my hands dirty then. 
It is showtime.

~Suzanne
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