When you’re just a few weeks in to having your own Rock Star Yoga blog – fangirling over Jon Bon Jovi and Nikki Sixx, sporadically using the word “yoga” or entirely omitting it –
[*note: in 2019 the blog was called Rock Star Yoga]
there is one thing you really don’t want to do;
To go through your Bon Jovi hit titles too quickly.
Or maybe there’s two things you really don’t want to do:
1. To even name your Rock Star Yoga blog posts after Bon Jovi songs in the first place.
Imagine the fuss of keeping a system to avoid double titles at some point.
2. To then go through your hit titles too quickly.
You want to save that Living on a Prayer, Keep the Faith and Bad Medicine, for the days you can make them count.
And something tells you that day isn’t going to be your average Wednesday in August, just a few weeks after starting this blog.
So naturally, when I found myself leaping for the big guns, I hesitated.
Especially since I m pressed for time, and I can’t write this blog post to include everything that happened the past week.
In fact I intend not to.
Fell off the Rock Star Yoga bus.
It was a very modest trip, I didn’t end up with a needle in my arm and a thousand dollar a day habit, like Nikki Sixx in 1987.
So a little perspective is in order.
But nevertheless I was disappointed that I still had so much internal shit to deal with.
This time it had to do with work.
Over the course of a year, I have made the decision to get a normal job three times, and all three times it gave me thoughts of death as a good thing.
Now for clarity sake, I call these suicidal thoughts although they were premature and (thank God) don’t actually count as that.
So don’t freak out, because I didn’t either.
I just saw them as a sign that I was about to do something that made me want to end my life = a warning to not go do that.
Which in my case, was that I was about to go to work.
So, the first time, which was 2018, was a job that was not right for me, and the location was far away, so I needed to commute.
The second time it was a good job but I changed my mind when I discovered it was already taking up mental band width.
I didnt want a job, which required thinking about it after 5 P.M.
By the time I pulled back I had already been energetically lining up with that company for five days. I had promised I would think over the weekend about our work agreement.
Until I realized I didn’t want to think about anything else but my own business.
And I know sacrificing a weekend was a one-off investment, that ultimately I would get paid for this.
But I just couldn’t see how five days of unpaid energetic alignment with my ideal employer (which he was) was ever going to result in me getting a job that had boundaries.
Which lead to attempt number three:
Let’s leave them diploma’s at home and do simple work.
However this became rather unpleasant when I realized that a four day workweek here, would cover 50% of my monthly expenses.
I don’t want to work 5 days, because I want be able to accept private clients/yoga classes on the Fridays. And I need that money too, in particular with a low paying job.
But that I would sacrifice 80% of my workweek, to get 50% of the net income I need (I have business expenses for my yoga studio too) was not motivating.
And the thought that I would basically be throwing away 80% of my life NOT doing my purpose work (which is writing/ creating videos under this account and my pen name), was not very appealing either.
So this made working a low paying job a recipe to stress myself out. With every minute away from my desk not doing my purpose work and also not making enough money to pay the bills.
After giving it a lot of thought I therefor decided I will use my retirement fund, to pay for this phase in my life.
This way I can do my purpose work, and I can teach “normal” yoga on Friday, and the rest of the week I can write these blog posts (among other purpose work) and build my rock star yoga business.
So Saturday morning I was still under the impression I would go regular job hunting.
My spirits were low, I had migraine, heart complaints and my breasts were so painful it was as if I was in some sort of violent period.
Which I wasn’t.
Yet as soon as I pulled the plug on the idea of regular work, and decided to break the bank/ pension fund:
Gone were all the complaints!
The moment I chose ART and TEACHING YOGA, no matter what the consequences would be?
I was fit and happy.
I went on a short holiday and then the mourning came.
It was a mourning for the loss of a life I never had, which I can compare to something I had been warned for, but never felt:
The mourning for children you didn’t have.
It is said that even women who never wanted children, may experience a sense of loss, for not having them. I never had that, but I think this compared.
I never wanted a normal job. My resistance towards it is as old as my academic diploma. And yet because everybody else seemed fine with it, I always assumed it was a Plan B for me.
Knowing there isn’t a plan B, is daunting.
What if I lose my house? What if I can no longer take care of my cats?
And yet after a few days of crying, and letting it all sink in, I feel light as a feather.
Some people will think that the title Keep the Faith means that I have faith that it will all work out well.
That is not true.
I don’t know if this choice leads to a 7-Figure business or to living on the streets.
Keep the Faith means:
Trusting that your choice is the right one.
* dramatic pause *
On a brighter note!
For this blog I chose a photo from Jon Bon Jovi, hanging by his microphone stand. It was flashed to me on the “Stories” timeline on Facebook:
A feature I never quite understood except that if you want to save it you have to be really quick.
The Jon Bon Jovi story photo from the Bon Jovi’s Stuff page kept buzzing through my head…
There was something strangely erotic about a collapsed Jon Bon Jovi with his hands high above him, holding on to his mic (see top of this blog post)
It reminded me of another photo of Jon Bon Jovi on stage on his knees. A photo I had saved, I knew that.
Pity I had not been able to save the standing one…
When it was 4 PM and I still had not forgotten Disappearing Collapsed Jon At the Mic, I started Googling it.
But there was no way I could find it.
When I was browsing through my downloads to get the one from Jon on his knees, I suddenly saw it!
I had been able to save Jon with the Mic this morning, after all!
When Googling it again, feeding the file to the Search bar, it didn’t come up with similar photos, nor a date or place. So I have no idea where the picture is taken.
But I do hope that after my downfall, my collapse, and the days of hard work, I too will end up exhausted but satisfied and happy, my hands together, high above me. Or collapsed on my knees, head down.
And look as erotically charged as Jon.
I have faith.
Rock Star Writer
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Bon Jovi concert reviews 1995-1996 Suzanne Beenackers YouTube