When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words
You’ve been needing to hear, I’ll wish I was him
‘Cause these words are mine, to say to you
‘Til the end of time

If there is one thing I will remember from this year, it will be attending the Bon Jovi concert.
It caused such a massive shift within me, I knew my life would never be the same again.
It was two hours and twenty minutes of anthem after anthem, in my experience.
And a song in the encore, every fan hopes to hear: “Always”.

It is rarely played because of the vocal range it requires. Jon Bon Jovi must have been feeling really good, because there certainly weren’t any external incentives.
Nijmegen wasn’t a big show.

There were no professional recordings released from that day, by Bon Jovi. No plans to use footage shot on a rainy night on a location no one has ever heard of.
It really was an encore, an extra.
And it was the icing on the cake of a spectacular night.

Unfortunately, despite the spiritual experience of that night, the concert didn’t turn out to be the overnight fix I had been hoping for.
I didn’t know that the final leg of my… depression? Midlife crisis? Burnout?
Was still ahead of me.
But on the bright side: It all did end before last Tuesday happened.
I had already celebrated my full recovery, before my lover broke up with me. During the final countdown of my crisis, I had deliberately kept myself from contacting him. It was oh so very tempting, to use my crisis as a way to intensify what we had.
To form a more intimate bond, by letting him help me.
But I couldn’t do it.

First of all because it would have been extremely painful for me if he had refused. And secondly, if he had comforted me, I would have been unsure if he had done so because I had pushed myself onto him or if he had wanted to be there for me.
Due to the freedom and the lightness we had always had in each other’s company, asking for help felt like pushing for “Always”:
It wasn’t mine to ask.
So I didn’t initiate contact.

Something I have a bittersweet feeling about now, in light of recent events. He has ended our affair and one of the reasons was because only spending the good times together, made “it” feel a bit empty.
Like I said, so bittersweet.
You must forgive me for not telling the whole story, but this part was worth mentioning I think.
Anyway, the real test came after the breakup.
Had I really changed?

Not so much compared to before the concert, but I was thinking more of:
Had I changed in comparison to the last time someone I was really into, broke up with me?
Over ten years ago.
To my ultimate delight, I can say:
I am an entirely different person.

And that is such a powerful and joyful feeling, that there are moments this feeling – of dare I say enlightenment? – outweighs the sadness.
Maybe it’s comparable to if you’d turn into a vampire, and you know that you re immortal now. But would you ever be sure, until you were put through something that normally would have killed you?
That’s how I felt when for the first time in ten years someone I deeply cared for, and am still very much in love with, ended the relationship.

Obviously a separation process has many stages, and especially in the beginning a form of denial may be part of why I m feeling so good.
And yet:
I can’t help but KNOWING this is different.
That just like the vampire, I have become a different breed, that doesn’t abide by the same rules as she did ten years ago.
And I ve distinguished two reasons why that is.

Reason 1 : I still know how to feel good

Ten years ago, I was unaware that you must never build your road to your Higher Self or your happy self, through another person. Sure: I felt over the moon when I was with him.
And in the anticipation of seeing him, the hours before our date.
But I was SO aware it were my emotions, my feelings. I didn’t have them with any other man, yet that didn’t mean they were tied to him.
They were mine.

In all the years we were together, I had a clear vision that the positive feelings I was experiencing were created by me. And that I would therefor be able to access them any time I needed them.
Including the time after he broke up with me.

All those years, I appointed myself as The Person In Charge, when it came to feeling good. He never took advantage of that, and certainly pulled his weight when it came to making our dates memorable.
But it was learning to master my own feelings, that has been the major difference between moving on now, versus crashing down ten years ago.

Reason 2 : Love doesn’t die

Just like under “1” this is of course something he does contribute to. I have dated men who turned so cruel and cold in their communication, that there was no way I could keep my love for them burning.
In hindsight, I would definitely say the guy who broke my heart ten years ago qualifies as that. But it didn’t break until I had found out what he had done behind my back and had not told me.

I’m just saying all this to illustrate that these two ways in which I ve changed are relative. They re much easier to “accomplish” if you re dealing with a mature partner breaking up with you.

Anyway, like I said: Love doesn’t die.
A real connection, is something entirely magical.
You can learn to love someone, or create ideal circumstances for it to develop. But if you are romantic like me, nothing will beat the aliveness of a connection between two people who meet by chance, or who develop a bond over time, because they work together for example.

Whether two people get a real relationship, or if they end it;
It’s all just outer forms.
Things which are dependent on circumstances, and on desires as to what it is you want out of life.

A real connection, in my opinion, is something that transcends that.

Real love is like Always:
You don’t give it because someone paid you to do it.
Or because someone is entitled to have it.
And you don’t earn it by being at your best behavior, nor can you ever get it as a reward.

Real love can only be given freely.
And all you can hope for, is to have someone who will receive it.

Rock Star Writer

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Bon Jovi concert reviews 1995-1996 Suzanne Beenackers YouTube


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