The title of this blogpost was initially “consensual non-monogamy explained with”.
And that was after ditching “polyamorous relationships explained with”, even though technically, if I would draw up how my love life would potentially look, a relationship where both partners (including me) are polyamorous, is a logical outcome.

The main reason I stayed away, and in all likeliness will always stay away, from using known concepts around non-monogamy, is that I DO NOT feel they start at the same point as I do.
They work from an entirely different paradigm, which is that it is okay to love more people, and have sex with more people.
I don’t want to have sex with more people.
I want my partner to have that.

I have a default mode within myself, of capital M monogamy, that is actually so firmly stuck in “ON”, that even at moments where I should have just “gone for it” I could not get that switch to flip.
I can be in love with more men at once, so logically I know that this could at one point materialize in having more partners than one;
But so far this has not happened.

Whether my M switch stays On or turns out to have some give;
I want a partner to be someone who is comfortable flipping his switch.
And he doesn’t need my approval, nor is he going to endlessly communicate about it.

I think the most repelling thing about what I understand as consensual open relationships or polyamorous relationships is the openness, the talking, the communication.
I m like: “Can I trust you’ll stay adventurous, so that I can dream about you, and make you the center of my universe without you crashing under the pressure?”
With Jon Bon Jovi?
Yes.
Normal men?
Most likely No.

But (even) within polyamorous relationships, my preference, my starting point, the thing I ve always instinctively known I WANT (capitals meaning it’s actually more a need than a want)?
Is not their starting point.
What I want is, in general but also outside polyamory, defined as something that is “a phase you’ll grow out of”, and specifically within polyamory they would question if I belong in a polyamorous relationship.

If I m not better off “with my own people”, and settle, literally and figuratively, for a monogamous partner.
Instead of claiming my spot- which I admit I have failed to do but with the trouble that keeps causing I might- in the world of the brave;
The non-monogamous tribe.
Because that IS where I belong. 

The closest description of what I am, but it still has massive flaws, is “mono-poly relationship style”.
Meaning a relationship between a monogamous person (me) and a polyamorous person. But even within the polyamorous world, the mono is so often seen as someone who accidentally fell for a poly! 
That the mono person really doesn’t want to be there, and secretly wishes their partner were different, or, perhaps more accurately, that their poly-partner was the same as them and most people in society.

That someone who is not inclined to have multiple relationships (like me), would actually prefer to have a relationship with someone who has more partners, is practically unheard off.
Even as a female Jon Bon Jovi fan, I feel I have to explain I, nor the majority of other female fans, do NOT secretly dream of having Jon for ourselves.

When it comes to admiring a rock star there really is an understanding that the fact there are millions of other fans, is contributing to his erotic capital.
And I think “erotic capital” might be the vocabulary that could have been key in this post about a Rock Star Relationship style, but it really is such a multilayered term, that it would deserve an entire post of its own.
So I m not going to talk about erotic capital and focus on monogamy/non-monogamy.

If we agree that having all those fans contributes to Jon Bon Jovi’s sexual appeal;
Why, in normal life, would that be ANY different?

To me, whether you share yourself musically or sexually;
It is all non-monogamy.
It is all what I am looking for.
Wanted: Non-monogamous partner. Point. Or: explanation mark

So let’s play around with these concepts.

If this were one of those logic puzzles, it would be something like:
Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Jon Bon Jovi is a man who shares himself with more people.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Jon Bon Jovi?

Yes.
And not just “can” Suzanne do this;
I have been in love with Jon Bon Jovi since I was an early teen and technically in terms of being over 18, he was not just the first man but for a long time also the only Man I was in love with.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Tom is a man who shares himself with more people.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Tom?

Maybe. We know very little about Tom, but he’s got the basics in place.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Richard is a business man who has a way with the ladies.
Richard showers Suzanne with gifts.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Richard?

Richard is not paying attention because Suzanne wants quality time. 
He doesn’t stand a chance.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Frank sometimes interacts with Suzanne on Twitter.
For the first time, he sends her a Direct Message.
“Hi Suzanne, How about a coffee?”

Which is bold, Frank could be rejected, and he probably will be.
By now we know how difficult Suzanne is.
But he has a cute profile picture and she goes for it.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Frank gives her a tour of the Goffert park and how after Covid even more concerts and festivals will be organized there.
He can already see the new layout, with a new entrance, an ascending wooden, festival floor for better view and it’s better for the grass.
A new world is taking shape in his mind.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Frank?

Yes.

Maybe that reveals another reason why I have never used terms as non-monogamy or polyamory;
They suggest that the relationship itself is A Thing.
And that we’re going to develop ourselves, and improve ourselves and our lives through This Thing, and then it is important to give that thing the shape that suits you.

Maybe that is why, I have never asked the polyamorous people if I can join, even though it would give me access to the by me highly desired polyamorous men.
I d rather have men like Frank who are entirely caught up in all the great things they’re working on, and neither one of us discussing our relationship status.

I d rather fall for men like Jon Bon Jovi.
He’s just rocking the world, and that’s what we get to see and we all understand that’s enough.

Maybe my relationship style is that I want someone who is absorbed in doing the thing he loves, and from that enthusiastic energy, he likes to share himself or his work, with other people.
And if he wants sex to be part of his experience, if it is what excites him, then why would I not want that for him?
His outgoingness, his liveliness being the very thing I like about him.
It doesn’t make sense to exclude sex with other people, and it doesn’t even make sense to discuss it before hand!

Jon Bon Jovi does not ask for our consent if it’s okay he’s going to leave after the show.
Then why are we making sex into such a big deal and burden each other with all these responsibilities with regard to openness and honesty, and transparency?
And then we design entire relationship concepts around if honesty, openness, monogamy etcetera, are present or not.

I think, ultimately, I (for myself) should really be stepping away from the non-monogamy aspect of what I like as well.
It doesn’t matter.
It’s all way too close to “normal” relationships, and also way to close to existing non-monogamous relationship styles.
I m just going to invent an entirely new thing!

The Rock Star Relationship

It means I am never going to ask of a partner, what I would not ask of Jon Bon Jovi.

It means I’m just there to enjoy the show.

~Suzanne
Rock Star Writer