Your Rock Star soul is fighting for their life

To say I slept poorly last night would be an understatement. I had nightmares, hallucinations, and a replaying of events as if I had gone through a traumatic event, rather than through of a week to reflect and decide on some things I knew I needed clarity on.

I had finally gotten to the root of why I was stalling on my second career in yoga, my first career in business teaching, and my Rock Star project which started summer 2019.
Why wasn’t I doing what I knew I was meant to?
Why wasn’t I living into my purpose?

It was a question that could be answered on many levels but the moment I had crashed into a raw bloody wall of pure agony, I knew:
Or “Oh God No for fucks sake!” and then “Jackpot!”.

I knew it was the biggie, and that I needed time to think.

Jackpot or not, the thing was so frightening, that my first instinct was to run away from it by destroying ten years worth of blogs and six years worth of YouTube channels.
That was a more appealing option than to stay calm and seriously thinking about it.

I managed to delay pushing the button of destruction, by a few days. And then last night there were the nightmares and hallucinations.
It would probably best compare to one of those vision quests you can get under the watchful eye of a Shaman.
It did give clarity, that’s for sure!
Just that I didn’t expect that a few days of logically thinking it over, would bring me into another world.

I just recall I also had one featherlight unexplained event. The night before my breakthrough insights, I had a motion-detection operated light in my house switch on out of nowhere. On a spot without any draft, and my cats were sleeping. It has never done that and because I was having such a deep-thinking, make or break week, I thought about what it could mean.
Maybe I was getting guidance, from the other side!

But aside from the mysterious light, the rest of the week had been very worldly.
And the encounters I had were very real as well.
And the insights I am sharing with you today were not formed in a Shaman tent nor in my hallucinatory night.
They were based in truth, in what I saw.

And in what ultimately scared me more than any unexplained events, or spirits from another realm, ever could. And eventually, yes, it scared me  far more than the raw bloody wall of pure agony that had been undermining my creative work.

What I saw is what happens when you do not answer the call.
That thing inside of you that comes out in your art.
Or what used to come out, until you started using work, alcohol, drugs and the busyness of the day to day to grind to numb it.

And now all you do when you have spare time is some variation of consuming. Consuming too much food, too much socializing, buying too much stuff you do not need.
Before all of those things started becoming who you are, and you still knew who you were;
The art, that THEN, came out of you.

That art.
That purpose.
I understood what would happen if I would not answer the call.

And, as I assume:
What will happen to you, if you fail too.

If you do not answer the calling of the artist within, of the Rock Star within, then it is going fight for its life.
It feels like despair, it feels like anger, it feels like desire.
It feels like agony, it feels like dying a spiritual and creative death in a Shaman tent on hallucinogenic mushrooms and that is because you ARE, dying a spiritual and creative death.

And I imagine that one day you will wake up thinking:
“What a good and noble thing that I didn’t follow through on my creative career, because now I am safe and I have everything I want.”

Everything, but the one thing you ever wanted.
Everything, but the one thing, your creative Rock Star soul ever craved for, and ever needed out of life.

So next time you feel absolutely horrible, next time you can’t sleep, next time you feel like tearing up what you created because what is the point anyway;
Next time you re afraid, next time you cry, next time a part of you no longer wants to live?


It is your Rock Star soul fighting for its right to live.
Its right to RULE.
To unleash into the world, and not in the planned, moderate, drip by drip way, but by turning up your life and pulling out the stops.

It is your Rock Star soul telling you loudly, that it is more than ready to claim back what was yours and to take over your life.

And it’s waiting for your “Hell fucking Yes!”

Rock Star Writer

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That was it! 

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NEW: Books!

You can find my books The Little Mistress Who Turned Into A Baby Koala
A Boyfriend Like Jon Bongiovi
and White Tigress Yoga Workbook
at the bottom of this page:

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This Rock Star Writer blog is an element of “Rock Star” [phase 2]

Title: “Rock Star”
or “Rock Star yoga/ business/ writer”

artists: Suzanne Beenackers, little bear Puux           
art form: performance art
phase 1: earliest expressions, mixed work, July 2019 – March 2022
phase 2: April 2022 – 

3 YouTube channels
1. English YouTube “Liberation”: Rock Star Yoga + Life lessons in Bon Jovi songs
2. Nederlandse YouTube “de Catacombe” studio voor Rock Star Yoga 
3. YouTube Rock Your Business
De headers from all channels have been changed already, so you know you re in the right spot.

4 blogs
1. Rock Star Writer (current blog)
2. Yoga Blog: Daily Bon Jovi Yoga
3. World Between Worlds
4. Dutch blog: Suzanne Beenackers

2 Facebook pages
1. Rock Star Writer on Facebook
2. Dutch: Suzanne Beenackers Schrijver Facebook met beertje Puux

1 Twitter account
my personal Twitter account

“Susie’s” Nikki Sixx Inspired Confessions

Nikki Sixx, showing a beautiful angel bearing a cross- tattoo.

{ “Susie” refers to me, Suzanne. I am not the Susie from the book The First 21. } 

The new Nikki Sixx book, The First 21, is one of those books where just like a movie, you get sucked in.
You think you’re going to read it with kind of a helicopter view, because you find the topic interesting or, what used to be the case when I actually read, when you find the writer interesting.
Since me having a thing for male writers ended 7 years ago, I wasn’t really expecting it. And maybe me reading Nikki Sixx is indeed not a part of that.
The writers I used to read were Dutch, they were my age or younger, and none of them were rock stars. 

So for the first time since 2014, I m reading with heart and soul, I’m totally into this.
But the deeper I get into this book, the more I realize that my relationship to Nikki Sixx is rooted in something.
That this is more than a book, a writer, a rock star of even a man I have a crush on.

Looking back, I can see how I’ve been leaning into his topics, into his work, from a very young age. It’s like an invisible thread, going through my life. And from that perspective, this infatuation with his latest book, cannot be called a surprise.

Maybe this is the right place to drop a truth bomb about something I meant to discuss sooner, and I probably will get back to it in future work;
But I think there is one MAJOR factor that Nikki Sixx’ lyrics as well as Bon Jovi lyrics have in common, and that explains why certain people will feel drawn to them. Yet I ve not heard anyone speaking about this.
But they’re Catholic.
The lyrics about God, devil, salvation, praying on the knees, water, redemption, sinning, confessions and- need I go on?
Or point taken?
It’s music that will speak to you if you, your parents, or your grandparents were Catholic.
Maybe protestant, but I think I know enough to determine this as Catholic symbolism.

But aside from that symbolism that resonates with me, there were more signs.
More things I managed to miss, where I now think:
“This thing for Nikki? This has been going on for a very long time….”

And I thought it was a good idea to I share that.
In particular if I m ever going to write about his book The First 21- that you know I did not step in at:
“Oh yes! Nikki Sixx…. he was in Mötley Crüe.”
Since I intend to stick around both as a writer and as a YouTuber, this needs to be cleared up.
This personal, recent and ancient, history of me and Nikki Sixx, needs explaining so that you understand why I am horribly biased.

So. It all “started” in 2019, when after a period of 25 years, I became a Bon Jovi fan again and I met a lot of other fans who were not just into Bon Jovi, but also into Nikki Sixx.
In female fandom, the combination of being into Jon Bon Jovi and Nikki Sixx was actually a pretty common one, and that’s how I came into contact with Nikki Sixx too, in particular with his writing.

I said “started” in 2019, with quotation marks, because then I m not counting me writing out Nikki Sixx’ name in my agenda in the 80s, and me drawing him in pen.
I’m not counting Mötley Crüe practically being spoon fed in the 80s to anyone tuning in to MTV’s Headbangers Ball (which I was), and listening to a Dutch radio show called Vara’s Vuurwerk (which I also was).
In the Netherlands Mötley Crüe never made it big mainstream, but at the same time they were so much part of metal and rock that it was absolutely impossible to miss them if that was your genre (which it was).

I also noticed on Nikki Sixx’s photos as a teen, in The First 21, that he and my first boyfriend had looked alike. A lot. And that boyfriend too, was a bass player.
And in that book The First 21, Nikki Sixx says his first girlfriend’s name was Susie.
They were very shy with each other, and didn’t really know how to make it work or let it evolve. Exactly how my first boyfriend and me, were.
So in the 80s I, Suzanne or “Susie” to some, was dating a guy who played bass and looked like Nikki Sixx. But again, something I did not realize until October 2021, so that does not count either.

Which is why- not counting those Mötley Crüe and Nikki Sixx moments – “it”, the conscious part, started first half of 2019.
After the introduction to Nikki Sixx by other Bon Jovi fans, I started listening to an audio recording of the book The Heroin Diaries, based on his 80s diary.
Nikki Sixx’ The Heroin Diaries, is a book from 2007, that made it mainstream, against all expectations.
For the audio book Nikki Sixx reads it, with actors playing the parts other people have contributed, such as friends, family members, the band and people who toured with the band.
Slash, for example, is a good friend of Nikki, and he is one of the people who contributed to The Heroin Diaries.

The Heroin Diaries has as a subtitle: “A year in the life of a shattered rock star”
And it is based on Nikki’s original diary, from December 1986 to December 1987, when he was addicted to heroin.
It was for the first time since the 80s I was reading something like this, the topic had completely dropped off my radar.
It brought back memories of the 80s, when the topic of heroin addiction was something I read about.

I must have been about 13 or 14 years old.
The first was a German book Christiane F., which has been translated worldwide under different titles but the original one was;
Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo (1978)
And the second book, also on teen drug addiction, was a Dutch one, Het Verrotte Leven van Floortje Bloem – Yvonne Keuls (1982)

Next to that I was either personally fascinated with musicians who died of drugs, but I also remember that it was a topic that was covered in our music classes in school. But by then I already knew enough to actually save my mark for a test I had otherwise done poorly.
Our teacher was so impressed with the paragraph I had written on the final question, about rock stars who had died prematurely, where I could even name rock stars that had not been mentioned in the book and I remember I wrote about the context of fame and drug use (probably uncalled for), and he gave me a higher grade.
So obviously, I was already studying this topic, and did not learn about drug use by rock stars, just in school.
But it was definitely “a phase”, as they call it. It was as if I wanted, or even needed, to study it, to understand what it was. Or maybe to protect myself. I was also raised in the “Just Say No” time period, but aside from one Punky Brewster episode I cannot remember that ever hitting mainstream in the Netherlands.
We didn’t have very prominent or explicit drug education in the Netherlands, and soft-drugs are legal here. We only had a campaign to not start smoking as a teen but that was it.
Heroin addiction felt far away.

I think one of the reasons listening to the Heroin Diaries in 2019, made a totally different impression than studying the topic in the 80s, is because now that I am so much older, and can feel how much it costs, how much you need to regulate and be conscious about, in order to be functional;
I am absolutely baffled by the idea of touring, and then drinking and doing drugs too.
But at the time, in the 80s?
The idea of rock stars doing drugs was just as normal as, I don’t know, as professional athletes training.
Or ballet dancers working out 8 hours a day.
All this to illustrate that me studying hard drugs had little to do with me trying to understand the world I was living in, and everything with me being fascinated by a world I was absolutely not living in.
It must have been my way to align with it, or feel if it was something I wanted to pursue.

When now I think, how in the world do you DO all that, the traveling, the touring, the everything, and NOT take excellent care of your health?
Listening to The Heroin Diaries audio in 2019, should have been a wake up call for me, and for anyone struggling career-wise-
that considering the fact that Mötley Crüe, including an addicted to heroin Nikki Sixx, actually TOURED?
We’ve all been called out as underachievers.
That’s how I see it.

But The Heroin Diaries was more than that. In particular the audio.
Because Nikki Sixx is not just a very pleasant narrator, with a beautiful speaking voice, doing a better job recording that book than anyone could have done for him;
But Nikki Sixx is most of all a thinker. And it’s relational.
So the books you read are all about relationships with people, but also relationships to a wide array of topics and situations.
And about HOW he relates.

The writer Nikki Sixx, is first and foremost – and I am sure there is a word for this but since I stopped reading in 2014 don’t ask me! – but he’s what I will call for now, he’s a thinker about relationships.
About whom and what he relates to, and how he relates to them. Or how they relate to each other.

And to then listen to Nikki Sixx, with your headphones, to this 11 hour recording, reading The Heroin Diaries, going through his own rough and ready diary from what may have been the toughest year in his life;
then reading the chapters he wrote around them, putting them in perspective.
Oh man…. you’re gonna fall for Nikki Sixx.

If you listen to Nikki Sixx reading The Heroin Diaries, your entire idea of who he is will change.

On Google Play:
The Heroin Diaries: Ten Year Anniversary Edition: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star

So in 2019 already, I considered myself a fan of his work. Oh – I m skipping the band Sixx AM, but I absolutely adore their music, I left it out for clarity’s sake.
But check them out as well! Sixx A.M. on YouTube

However, what I’ve covered so far, the Catholic roots, studying hard drugs and rock stars at a young age, getting Motley Crue spoon fed, the boyfriend bass player who looked like him, and writing “Nikki Sixx” in my agenda because I thought the name was magical;
Are all futile compared to the biggie.
The one where I realized:

Because of circumstances I do not want to get into (and I will not!) Nikki Sixx has become part of my sexual language, my sexuality identity, desires, experiences. All I can say, is that it does not have anything to do with him.
Not with The Heroin Diaries.
Not with The First 21.
Not with Sixx AM.

But that, yeah, like I said, a combination of circumstances, some of choice and some coincidental, his name, became synonymous for sex.

Although the part I did by choice?
Considering the preferences of other female Bon Jovi fans, considering my personal history, and my “thinking, relational” obsession; Considering all those things, maybe me adopting Nikki Sixx as the personification of sex was not so much of a choice.

But an inevitability.

Rock Star Writer

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The best of album HITS, including the new track The First 21, from SIXX A.M. is on YouTube:

And then the sex goes in here.

booktrailer for The First 21 by Nikki Sixx

Voice over, snippet from the first words of Livin’ On A Prayer:
Narrator (Jon Bon Jovi): “Once upon a time, not so long ago”

* insert first tweet Oct 22nd, illustrating Suzanne’s waning faith she’s welcome in Bon Jovi fandom*
(clicking the play icon on the gif pays off)

Photo from Melissa Coler Twitter @MACSIXX

One of the things I still want to do, is go through my old 80s school agendas and look for what I know is there: Two, maybe more, references to Nikki Sixx.

At least one of them is me “just” writing out his name.
Even as a teen, I understood there was something magical about it.
Where a name usually has some meaning, either to ourselves if we chose it, or to our parents when they gave it;
Calling yourself Nikki Sixx?
Was a whole different ballgame.

The name Nikki Sixx is a work of art in itself. 

This week Nikki Sixx released his fourth book, called The First 21, and it’s about the first 21 years of his life when his name was not yet Nikki Sixx. When he had not yet chosen his name.
You can shop for The First 21 by Nikki Sixx, as well as for the album from his second band Sixx A.M. that was released simultaneously.
“Second band”, yes.
You have until the end of this post, to answer the question what Nikki Sixx’ first band is.

The Sixx A.M. HITS playlist can also be found at the bottom of this post,
and to purchase the book you may also want to check out
this tweet where I already looked up the direct links to buy the book, for four different countries.

News interviews, podcasts, YouTube interviews, zoom connections, studio interviews;
For the past few days there has been an avalanche of Nikki Sixx on my timeline.
Which may explain why I was starting to feel a familiar yet unwelcome restlessness, in my lower belly.
A restlessness that I recognized in the movies Venom (2018) and part 2 (2021).

“Venom”, from the title, is an extraterrestrial entity that has a symbiotic relationship to a human, Eddie Brock. Venom is the wild one, the uncontrolled one. But Venom is also the fascinating one, the unapologetic one, and definitely the funniest of the two.
Everything Venom says is a one liner, he’s a talk show host’s wet dream.

But he is also of course, entirely uncivilized. And a bigger problem than that; His species need nutrients that can only be found in brains. 
If Venom would comply with his host Eddie, and stop biting people’s head off, he, Venom, would become severely malnutritioned and die.
And with that Eddie too, because they inhabit the same body. 

Venom is the stronger one, the enigmatic one, the superhero of the two, and ever since Venom has started living in Eddie’s body and the two started their symbiotic relationship, Eddie’s life has improved in terms of excitement and adventure.
And women absolutely adore him both as Eddie and as Venom.
Since Eddie has Venom in him, he has not had a dull moment, and yet Venom 2 Let There Be Carnage, largely revolves around Eddie’s attempts to get rid of Venom.
And not just because he bites people’s head off, and it requires a lot of effort to limit Venom’s foraging habits to only eating the bad guys, but also because Venom is an extremely disruptive force to live with.

story continues below the trailer, that illustrated how difficult it is to live with Venom:

My inner Venom too, is a disruptive force to live with.
It gets me kicked out of groups.
It gets me slut shamed.
It gets me talked about behind my back.
It gets me blocked on Twitter.

And yet, of course, it is this feral, untamed side of me, my inner-Venom, that is going to make the biggest contribution. That is going to leave her mark. 

I ve known from the start that my plan to make Bon Jovi yoga videos, was not accommodating her. There was not even a small corner, a small percentage of poorly lit videos “we” would shoot when I was feeling so badly, a normal video would not come out anyway;
Not even that.

My inner Venom was not to interfere when I was making Bon Jovi yoga videos. The name Bon Jovi, associated with inclusive, family appropriate, uplifting music, would be honored.
It would be kept clean.

But since it’s almost three months since I posted my announcement for Bon Jovi yoga, you can see how that is working out.
It isn’t.
And the reason it is not, is because my Venom wants a part.

The “overall inappropriate” part of me, to quote the most explicit complaint I received about that side of me, wants in.
No, let me rephrase:
It wants THE FUCK in. 

But just like Eddie Brock, I wanted to be loved for being the real me, the nice me, and not for this part that felt so entirely over the top.
I fully understood why my inner Venom was too much in particular in mixed, friendly communities like Bon Jovi fandom.

I GOT that.
And I respected them for being clear on their boundaries and keeping the community safe.

It’s just that, well, that side of me is “all” I have to offer.
Without my inner Venom, I am not just plain, but I would also be thoroughly unhappy. Just like Eddie Brock.
Venom is my life force. She makes me come alive, gives me blushes on my cheeks, and turns me into this funny, sexual, and yes inappropriate, woman.

Without my Venom, and without giving her what she needs, I will not just perish and come to nothing.
I will die.

Thinking I could turn myself into a friendly, goodhearted, Bon Jovi yoga teacher was as unrealistic as it was unhealthy and, frankly, undesirable.
If someone else can do that, go for it.
It’s not my path, that much is sure.

So me and my inner-Venom, have made amends and decided we are going to do it together.
We’ll be making Bon Jovi yoga videos where we will make many inappropriate jokes.
And trust me when I say that yoga offers ample opportunity for those.

But next to that, “we”, my inner Venom and me, are going to make Nikki Sixx yoga videos, where my most sexual, most out-there part of my personality, can really shine.
Where my inner Venom gets to take the stage and the leash comes off.
So the most unadulterated, honest, raw, yoga videos will be named after the most unadulterated, honest, raw rock star of them all.
Nikki Sixx.

Ten hours after the tweet where I said that although I am a Bon Jovi fan, but sometimes feel more LA, and less New Jersey, and wanted to be loved for the Venom part of me too;
I made another tweet.

Nikki Sixx, showing a beautiful angel bearing a cross- tattoo.

This tweet said:
[On] Oct. 22 @SixxAM released their best of called HITS
This album is THE best way to get acquainted with this second band from Nikki Sixx, est 2007

Mild spanking if you don’t know what his first band is.

Oh no, a little harder than that.

The first band from Nikki Sixx is Mötley Crüe.
Bon Jovi yoga will begin this week, on my YouTube
And my first yoga lesson to you, is to never hide who you really are.

The world needs your Venom.
Just like the world needs Nikki Sixx.

Oh no.
A little harder than that.

Rock Star Writer

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The best of album HITS, including the new track The First 21, from SIXX A.M. is on YouTube:

My name is Suzanne Beenackers and I am 32 years late. And 2 Weeks

As I collect these photos for you of a very clearly Rock Star Suzanne, ever since the dawn of time (the 80s), I wonder;
HOW is it possible to lose yourself when you’re over 45?

When I look back I can identify the two biggest threats, the two biggest potential conflicts between my surroundings and what was expected of me on one side;
And who I was and always had been, on the other.

The first was the business world that was waiting for me after graduating from university, which I turned my back on, by simply never showing up.
I didn’t even say: “Hell no!”
I just never showed up, and no one came looking.

And the second one was when I took my yoga trainings and entered the realm of yoga teachers with whom I – where “I” stands for the real me, that chick rolling cigarettes at 16 – had absolutely zero in common with what we wanted out of life (Sex and rock n roll!)
Yet I just dove in head first, became a vegetarian, listened to mantras, yoga-ed my body on a daily basis, and still made it out unharmed.

In fact, as the photo collage shows, in 2015 I started calling my vinyasa power yoga classes, Rockstar Yoga.

It was then still written as one word; “Rockstar”
Because I had ran it by the title of
the Nickelback song.
Which, as I found out in 2019 when I started this website Rock Star Writer, then still called Rock Star Yoga, is not the correct way to spell it.

Just like the catchy yet shallow interpretation of what it means to be a “Rockstar”, the spelling of the Rockstar song was not something you should ever use as a benchmark. 

So how is it possible to have such a great start, effectively navigating your jeans-clad booty around the pitfalls of three decades, and then 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021?
Everything yoga related, anything professional, was stopped and although I still feel very much like a yoga practitioner and a yoga teacher, it doesn’t show.

Late 2020 I ended the lease of the yoga studio, and as of January 1st 2021 I no longer have a business.
Nor do I intend to ever have any one of those again.

Yet despite this:
I am a yoga teacher.

Yet despite this:
I am in business.

I know very well what my professional future looks like.

And yet….
Sometimes I FEAR that I can’t do it.

That the calling I see before me, where I will not just resurrect my own yoga practice and my professional yoga career better than it ever was;
But also revolutionize it as EXACTLY that SEX & ROCK N ROLL thing that we ALL want and need it to be! 

Those are the moments my heart grows cold thinking it’s too late.

That the girl who rolled her own cigarettes managed to get through puberty, college and an entire career as a yoga teacher, ended up empty handed.
And not just because she quit smoking.

I am writing this on a Friday, listening to Nickelback from the albums and concerts around 2007.
The time when the single Rockstar was released.
On a side note, Nickelback was the only highly successful band, who became hated for reasons no one really recalls. Although here is an article that explains why this was their fate.
It wasn’t because they misspelled rock star.

But even more disturbing than listening to Nickelback, I m writing this after yet another two week delay to what I thought was the start of my new life.
It was initially caused by something big and important that I m giving my care and attention (it’s not about me, so I m not going to share what it is), and was then further slowed down by a health issue that seemed to be related to those events but that now appears to be something else entirely.

In fact, the acute yet fairly innocent health issue may have revealed the reason why I ve been waking up sick for months and months on end now.
Why the first hours of my day are spent feeling so ill, that I even check my temperature to see if, in the unlikely case I will get up today, I can’t because I need to self-quarantine.

And then?
Well, then I m not just totally fever free, but totally fine before noon as well. 

So the new health issue that came up, may have revealed the cause of that messed up morning fallout. And it’s something annoying but totally innocent and treatable.
The final test results are due next week. *)

Having all that addressed and sorted out delayed what I considered the start of my new and improved, “on track and on top” life, as well.

Yet there are moments when these extra days of delay, turning into two extra weeks, get to me.

That I think:

“This has been going on since 2018.
You ve lost it Suzanne.
You had diplomas, a career, a business, AND you went to Bon Jovi 2019 coming back fully inspired KNOWING you were going to bring it home TEACHING Rock Star Yoga!

But you didn’t, now did you Suzanne?
You start-stopped, start-stopped, didn’t you Suzanne?

And now it’s this complicated thing that came on your path and that has you occupied, and you wake up sick every morning, but really?
Has this not been going on from way before that?”

Yes, there are moments like that…..
And yet still.

This will happen.
All of it.

Rock Star Yoga, Bon Jovi Yoga, doing it, teaching it, rocking it.
That’s what it’s gonna be, and I m not going to change one long rock n roll hair of it!
AND I’m rebooting my business channel Rock Your Business as well.

Because BOTH yoga and business deserve to be done in a way WE can identify with.
Yes WE, because this is not just about me;
It’s about YOU!

About us.

We, the ones who do not belong in the corporate business world,
not in the yoga world,
and no not even in the normal entrepreneurial world.

We just don’t, and you know it.

Going from hand-rolled cigarettes to frickin’ incense, is a painfully accurate description of how I lost DECADES of my life. 

I sold my soul to mediocrity, and now I can’t even get out of bed in the morning.
I don’t even care what the test results bring up next week;
This shit is as serious as it fucking gets.

It’s called throwing your life away.

And you?
Getting up inspired and taking life by the horns?
Or have you sinned as badly as I have, and cut yourself in half in order to fit in?

It’s time to be whole.
To be fully you.

To stand up and show the world WHO YOU ARE.

Badass motherfuckers.

And you know it. 

Rock Star Writer

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It’s too soon to tell | 2020

playlist: album 2020 by Bon Jovi (October 2020)

bon-jovi-do-what-you-can-videoThis morning, when I gave myself YouTube time in bed before I got up to start this first day after my birthday, I watched a video of the restoration of an army lighter, found on the beaches of Normandy.

I think my YouTube channel translated the title of the video, so I have no idea how the video is called where you live, but here it is:
UITERST Zeldzame lichtere restauratie Wereldoorlog 2 D-Day 1944

And watching the video made me so happy!
I had already had an amazing birthday, but to see how even this lighter which was in the poorest of shapes, could be brought back to a shiny, fully functioning lighter, with love, time, and skill?
That made my day. 

It really was the icing on the cake, a reminder that even when things look really bad?
And with certainty beyond saving, beyond repair, beyond giving it any place in our living, breathing daily life because whatever this is or used to be?
It’s definitely useless now.

That even that one particular thing, that you were about to Marie Kondo out of your home, has just a good a chance of becoming the eye catcher of your collection, your turning point from when things went up, or the platform from where your life took off, as any other more shiny, more obvious object.

But I already knew that.
Knowing that you should not be too quick in your verdict, had been the main reason why my birthday had started off on such a high, and why I knew I had nothing to be ashamed off.

That despite that gnawing feeling that haunted me since the start of the pandemic, there were actually no real signs my 2020-2021 had indeed been one big failure.
Quite the opposite, in fact.

Because over the course of the last few weeks everything with regard to my Bon Jovi related blogs, YouTube channel, yoga plans, are coming back to life and are coming together as well!
I even feel inspired to pick up my Dutch yoga channel, and other projects or ideas that I started in 2020, but that I couldn’t bring into fruition or I dropped out of.

All ideas are coming back as shiny and new as that second world war lighter.

But the biggest shift in perspective has been when I started organizing my writing under an alterego, dusting off old diaries I stop-started, and articles I published when I thought I was having the worst year of my life.
When I felt so alone, so disconnected and angry with the rest of humanity who in my eyes were an untrustworthy bunch of motherfuckers who were not taking responsibility for every motherfucking thing they had created before Covid;
And now they were all just a little too keen to throw it all on the virus.

While Jon Bon Jovi was washing dishes for his charity organization, when the first chords of Do What You Can were written, and the band pulled back their 2020 March release of the album 2020, to review it, write more songs, and root it even deeper into being the topical, social conscious record it was already intended to be but that got to a whole new level now, obviously;
When all that constructive work was done by the band I admired, I was contemplating if it was possible to break up with humanity.

If I would become a bitcoin trader, would that mean I would never have to see anybody for my survival, on a day to day basis, ever again?
Was there a way I could stop contributing, stop creating?
And I never had to suppress the desire to destroy all my work as often as I have the past 16 months.

There is an African proverb:
“A child that is not embraced by the village, will burn it down to feel its warmth” 
I didn’t need to burn the village, I could burn my own work and the only thing that kept me from it was knowing I would regret it in the future.

That ultimately, regardless of how my life would go, I would need a pen, a blog, a typewriter, SOMETHING! To let go, to express, and if it would all end up oxidized on a deserted beach I was as fine with that as anything.
I didn’t care.

But I did know not to burn the pen, the paper, the typewriter, and also not the old diaries and my old work which I ve learned are of value just for being there, or for being here in my filing cabinet.
They give off a reassuring, comforting glow.

But yes, it was an incredibly tough year, and my work under that alterego and here too, was a mess. I didn’t expect anything of use to come of it.
And then this week, with a big sigh, I dived in and started going through that work and I found a piece I had written two weeks into the pandemic, late March 2020.
And it blew me away….

Like a series of bombs, a sequence of hardcore raw, emotional, truth calling posts exploded in my head and I saw what I thought had been my absolute worst year, the 16 months of pandemic, which would soon include a whole year between birthdays, and a time in my life where for the very first time ever, I had absolutely nothing positive to say about it, from an artistic perspective;
That this work had a high chance of being the best I ever created.

And it could only have been written in that lonely, cut-offness from the world.

My agenda is filling up with dates again.
Summer 2021, and the new year of my life, is the moment when my life is returning to the way it was and added on top of that are new ways of communicating, new websites, new projects, new ways of artistic communication with the world.
All social nourishment which will mean the months ahead will not have the same energy as 2020-2021. I will not be able to recreate what I did then.

And that’s what I mean when I titled this post Too soon to tell.
I don’t mean that if you went through personal tragedy and hardship, it is too soon to tell that you had a horrible time.
You are allowed to grieve and give yourself time to process, recover and regroup.

But if you, like I did, have a bad feeling about 2020-2021 professionally? Artistically?
In the sense of what you have accomplished? 

Or you have a bad feeling about it, psychologically?
Because you don’t feel like the pandemic has made you more resilient, nor agile, nor that you acquired or learned anything you will fall back on in the future?

Then trust me:
It is too soon to tell.

Maybe “tell” is not the right word. It is too soon to SEE.
Because I can tell you right now;
2020-2021 is not what you think it is, or was.

It might look like a green oxidized chunk of metal.
But after cleaning, polishing, and restoring it,
2020 can light a fire so bright, it will warm you for the rest of your life.  

Rock Star Writer

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Let’s All Dress Up Like We Re Jon Bon Jovi. And Maybe Add Lipstick

I felt something important had to be decided today! But I was not sure what it was…
Maybe stay offline, fulfill my destiny, purpose, knowing that my ultimate art will be living offline?
I call it “analogue heritage”.

My ultimate art will be to be offline.*
But just like my ultimate “look” will be wearing red lipstick day in day out;
I judged it wasn’t the time.

Red lipstick is very high maintenance; It smudges easily and after a meal you need to reapply.
Every time you ve worn a mouth mask, your carefully applied red lipstick comes out looking like it’s 3 A.M. and you had too much fun.

For the offline bit, my inspiration to create an analogue art project of myself
– in combination with carefully crafted online presence of one hour a day! –
I judged our current state of being Covid grounded and confined, ball and chained to our homes, the absolute worst time to go full in on that.*

If there ever was a time for online social interactions, online inspiration, and yes also for online wasting time with things that ultimately are the digital junk food and empty calories of our lives;
Then now was the time to go all in and binge on being online.

Now was definitely not the time to economize on being online.*
As tempting as it was to fall for the idea of becoming this peaceful hermit in a time when everybody has their mood tied to their news- or Twitter feed.
Which is especially true for the Netherlands.

Did you know no one gets vaccinated here?
It’s as ill-organized as our defenses in second world war.

So I think in 5 years the allied forces will come to save us, because it sure as hell doesn’t look like anything is under control here.
Which is actually quite surprising because in 2008/9, The Netherlands were the first to have everyone vaccinated for swine flu because they had it done by the army. 

When late 2020 journalists starting making inquiries why the army wasn’t going to be involved in operation vaccination, it turned out that they initially had been; but then for unknown reasons had been sidelined.
I think now they’re officially at the table again, but it seems almost more symbolic.
Military is not running the show. 

So The Netherlands have lost the vaccination race.
But since vaccination is probably not going to be the ultimate answer anyway, this is slowly but steadily losing its relevancy.
Five reasons why COVID herd immunity is probably impossible { Nature, March 18 2021 }

The last paragraph says:

It’s time for more realistic expectations. The vaccine is “an absolutely astonishing development”,
but it’s unlikely to completely halt the spread, so we need to think of how we can live with the virus.

And a very meaty article, that I admit I did not read entirely. But it looks like the real deal:
The coronavirus is here to stay — here’s what that means { Nature, February 2021 }

And Dutch article:
Pleidooi: beter niet iedereen vaccineren, het coronavirus verdwijnt namelijk toch niet { De Gelderlander, 26 maart 2021 } 
Translation header: It’s better to not vaccinate everybody because the virus will not disappear.

The Dutch article states that a high percentage of the population being vaccinated, helps vaccine resistant Covid to spread.

So now YOU have two choices;
1. Either you believe there will be a right way and a wrong way a government can go about this.
In the sense that one approach is based on the correct information, and implemented the correct way.
And the other is based on the wrong information or executed wrongly.

Or, you make 2021 the year you do what I do, which is try an entirely new approach.
It is:

2. The only correct strategy is the one the majority of people believes in.

The first time I formulated this strategy was in the time of the banking crisis.
In 2008, the people who had known financial structures had been collapsing, had been expecting not just the collapse of the systems but also social unrest, riots, probably a civil war.
They were convinced the collapse of the financial system would have disastrous consequences.

In the years that followed, many people thought it was important not just for the systems to be more sturdy, (they are still nowhere near as tightly regulated as between the great depression early 20th century and Reagan/Thatcher era of deregulation);
But they also found it important that normal, previously not-informed people like you and me, had a better sense of the danger of this financial trapeze.
This illusion, the non-realness of money and the systems managing it.


It was BECAUSE the public didn’t know, didn’t care, and simply TRUSTED the financial systems to keep working;
That they kept on working.

The most dangerous thing you can do is convince people of death, decay, poverty and pending civil war.

We have just had elections in the Netherlands and a very optimistic party that wants to leave as much as possible to the market, has won.
Even though their reign has marginalized entire groups, and public housing is in its biggest crisis ever. Homelessness and people living with their parents because there are no houses, is soaring.
Yet everybody votes for the party who crashed all our social services, including our entire health-care system and bankrupting tens of thousands of families through a corrupt allowance system.
And the number of government-induced bankruptcies is still going up, because of poorly executed Covid relief allowances that now have to be paid back.

With so many financial consequences, why would so many Dutch people still vote for this party?

That is because they refuse to buy into the truth, that it is hopeless.
And although I did not vote for that party;
I see the power of simply holding on to your belief that you will make it.
You believe in the American Dream, the Dutch dream in this case.

Both the voters for this liberal party in the Netherlands, as well as the uninformed public in 2008 who did not understand the apocalyptic proportions of their banking crisis, have contributed or are contributing to the catastrophe not taking place or not taking hold.

As long as there is no apocalyptic banking crisis in the minds of the majority?
There is no apocalyptic banking crisis.

As long as there is no worst-since-second-world-war housing crisis in the minds of the majority?
There is no worst since second world war housing crisis.

And as long as there is a Covid crisis in the minds of the majority?
There is a Covid crisis.

Whether you believe in conspiracy theories, or science. Whether you re in favor of vaccination or not.
The moment you give the virus itself your attention, you are contributing to the crisis.

Does this mean you should not go along with the measures?
That is your social structure.
We’re all part of a larger social structure, and it is our responsibility to be aware of the minds and moods of the people around us.

If people around you are afraid to catch the virus, or want you to vaccinate, or they don’t feel safe;
That IS your job to know, and act on/ make a decision on how you can or are willing to help.

It is your job to read, and adjust and be an agile responder to your social surroundings.
But it is NOT your job to distillate “the” truth.

Truth is what the majority believes.

If the majority believes vaccines play an important part in “going back to normal”, and vaccines are provided?
Things will go back to normal.
That’s the only thing that matters; What does the majority want? Then affirm that as true (as a leader) and act accordingly.

Fear of the Covid virus is for the majority of people something that is manageable by acknowledging it, and then the accepted or suggested measures are taken on as being helpful.
It’s like when a mother sees to a hurt knee (acknowledgement), applies a sticking plaster (measure), and then a little kiss (magic, love).
That’s how fear should be managed.

How it should not be managed is starting a discussion if crying or coming in to have the knee attended to is even nessecary; If a sticking plaster is technically the ideal tool/ measure; And leave out the kiss because there is no science backing it up.

For most people, for the majority, their fear (of death, really) can be managed by knowing that they are loved and looked after.
And that is really not just the responsibility from the government, but from all of us.

But right now, we’re all yelling and screaming and disagreeing in various degrees about;
if it is okay to even come in with the hurt knee, if the knee is technically hurt, if the plaster is good, and no one is giving that kiss (love) to the people who are scared. Even though that is probably the most important part.

So what can we do as individuals?
If you’re scared tend to yourself, like a mother to her child.
And I think if you look forward to getting vaccinated, take that shot.
But if it only makes your more anxious, discuss your options until you find something that feels good and manageable for you.

And if, like me, you’re not scared of the virus at all (nor of getting vaccinated), your job is to stay emphatic to all those people who are emotionally affected by Covid or who have strong feelings about vaccines.
And their reasons to be emotionally involved can vary, for example because their own health is not optimal, because of what they believe to be true, because they re scared for their loved ones, or because of their work which maybe ended, is nearly impossible or has become dangerous because of Covid.
Your job is to stay open to their stories.

But as far as ourselves? Our minds, our options, our responsibilities even to not make the problem bigger by drawing attention to it, and magnifying it?
My suggestion is that you live your life, in full trust that it will end soon. That it will be solved.

So do the things now that you do not want to be bothered with anymore, once the Covid crisis is over.
Clear out your house, do your projects that require screen time, or being indoors.
Consolidate your life, so that you are in the starting blocks to fly out when Covid is over.

And the other part is:
Behave in the way you would when there is no Covid.
Don’t postpone Life.

This was sparked when I saw Jon Bon Jovi’s photos in GQ magazine.
He looked so sharp.
After months of home made live streams and hairdressers not being available, months of seeing him in T-shirt, this professional photo shoot with him in suit, in casual chic, and with the grey hair perfectly styled, were a breath of fresh air.
A spark of inspiration.

So dress up, like Jon Bon Jovi.
Wear your best clothes, and take good care of yourself.
Upgrade the f out of life!

And forget the practicalities.

In my case:
Wear red lipstick.

Trusting that going out until 3 A.M. and having too much fun, will one day follow.

Rock Star Writer

I seem to have this thing, that whenever I come to the conclusion that something is a terrible idea? I have to do it! So I DID start being offline despite Covid ruling out real life contact.
Just like I started wearing red lipstick despite the face masks.
My project “Being offline is my art” will be posted on daily on Rock Star Writer on Facebook and my personal Twitter account.
Starting Saturday night March 27.

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The Rock Star Relationship. My non-monogamous dating style explained with Jon Bon Jovi

The title of this blogpost was initially “consensual non-monogamy explained with”.
And that was after ditching “polyamorous relationships explained with”, even though technically, if I would draw up how my love life would potentially look, a relationship where both partners (including me) are polyamorous, is a logical outcome.

The main reason I stayed away, and in all likeliness will always stay away, from using known concepts around non-monogamy, is that I DO NOT feel they start at the same point as I do.
They work from an entirely different paradigm, which is that it is okay to love more people, and have sex with more people.
I don’t want to have sex with more people.
I want my partner to have that.

I have a default mode within myself, of capital M monogamy, that is actually so firmly stuck in “ON”, that even at moments where I should have just “gone for it” I could not get that switch to flip.
I can be in love with more men at once, so logically I know that this could at one point materialize in having more partners than one;
But so far this has not happened.

Whether my M switch stays On or turns out to have some give;
I want a partner to be someone who is comfortable flipping his switch.
And he doesn’t need my approval, nor is he going to endlessly communicate about it.

I think the most repelling thing about what I understand as consensual open relationships or polyamorous relationships is the openness, the talking, the communication.
I m like: “Can I trust you’ll stay adventurous, so that I can dream about you, and make you the center of my universe without you crashing under the pressure?”
With Jon Bon Jovi?
Normal men?
Most likely No.

But (even) within polyamorous relationships, my preference, my starting point, the thing I ve always instinctively known I WANT (capitals meaning it’s actually more a need than a want)?
Is not their starting point.
What I want is, in general but also outside polyamory, defined as something that is “a phase you’ll grow out of”, and specifically within polyamory they would question if I belong in a polyamorous relationship.

If I m not better off “with my own people”, and settle, literally and figuratively, for a monogamous partner.
Instead of claiming my spot- which I admit I have failed to do but with the trouble that keeps causing I might- in the world of the brave;
The non-monogamous tribe.
Because that IS where I belong. 

The closest description of what I am, but it still has massive flaws, is “mono-poly relationship style”.
Meaning a relationship between a monogamous person (me) and a polyamorous person. But even within the polyamorous world, the mono is so often seen as someone who accidentally fell for a poly! 
That the mono person really doesn’t want to be there, and secretly wishes their partner were different, or, perhaps more accurately, that their poly-partner was the same as them and most people in society.

That someone who is not inclined to have multiple relationships (like me), would actually prefer to have a relationship with someone who has more partners, is practically unheard off.
Even as a female Jon Bon Jovi fan, I feel I have to explain I, nor the majority of other female fans, do NOT secretly dream of having Jon for ourselves.

When it comes to admiring a rock star there really is an understanding that the fact there are millions of other fans, is contributing to his erotic capital.
And I think “erotic capital” might be the vocabulary that could have been key in this post about a Rock Star Relationship style, but it really is such a multilayered term, that it would deserve an entire post of its own.
So I m not going to talk about erotic capital and focus on monogamy/non-monogamy.

If we agree that having all those fans contributes to Jon Bon Jovi’s sexual appeal;
Why, in normal life, would that be ANY different?

To me, whether you share yourself musically or sexually;
It is all non-monogamy.
It is all what I am looking for.
Wanted: Non-monogamous partner. Point. Or: explanation mark

So let’s play around with these concepts.

If this were one of those logic puzzles, it would be something like:
Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Jon Bon Jovi is a man who shares himself with more people.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Jon Bon Jovi?

And not just “can” Suzanne do this;
I have been in love with Jon Bon Jovi since I was an early teen and technically in terms of being over 18, he was not just the first man but for a long time also the only Man I was in love with.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Tom is a man who shares himself with more people.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Tom?

Maybe. We know very little about Tom, but he’s got the basics in place.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Richard is a business man who has a way with the ladies.
Richard showers Suzanne with gifts.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Richard?

Richard is not paying attention because Suzanne wants quality time. 
He doesn’t stand a chance.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Frank sometimes interacts with Suzanne on Twitter.
For the first time, he sends her a Direct Message.
“Hi Suzanne, How about a coffee?”

Which is bold, Frank could be rejected, and he probably will be.
By now we know how difficult Suzanne is.
But he has a cute profile picture and she goes for it.

Suzanne likes men who share themselves with more people.
Frank gives her a tour of the Goffert park and how after Covid even more concerts and festivals will be organized there.
He can already see the new layout, with a new entrance, an ascending wooden, festival floor for better view and it’s better for the grass.
A new world is taking shape in his mind.
Can Suzanne fall in love with Frank?


Maybe that reveals another reason why I have never used terms as non-monogamy or polyamory;
They suggest that the relationship itself is A Thing.
And that we’re going to develop ourselves, and improve ourselves and our lives through This Thing, and then it is important to give that thing the shape that suits you.

Maybe that is why, I have never asked the polyamorous people if I can join, even though it would give me access to the by me highly desired polyamorous men.
I d rather have men like Frank who are entirely caught up in all the great things they’re working on, and neither one of us discussing our relationship status.

I d rather fall for men like Jon Bon Jovi.
He’s just rocking the world, and that’s what we get to see and we all understand that’s enough.

Maybe my relationship style is that I want someone who is absorbed in doing the thing he loves, and from that enthusiastic energy, he likes to share himself or his work, with other people.
And if he wants sex to be part of his experience, if it is what excites him, then why would I not want that for him?
His outgoingness, his liveliness being the very thing I like about him.
It doesn’t make sense to exclude sex with other people, and it doesn’t even make sense to discuss it before hand!

Jon Bon Jovi does not ask for our consent if it’s okay he’s going to leave after the show.
Then why are we making sex into such a big deal and burden each other with all these responsibilities with regard to openness and honesty, and transparency?
And then we design entire relationship concepts around if honesty, openness, monogamy etcetera, are present or not.

I think, ultimately, I (for myself) should really be stepping away from the non-monogamy aspect of what I like as well.
It doesn’t matter.
It’s all way too close to “normal” relationships, and also way to close to existing non-monogamous relationship styles.
I m just going to invent an entirely new thing!

The Rock Star Relationship

It means I am never going to ask of a partner, what I would not ask of Jon Bon Jovi.

It means I’m just there to enjoy the show.

Rock Star Writer


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Bon Jovi concert reviews 1995-1996 Suzanne Beenackers YouTube

Fan made video with also the sexiest Bon Jovi song in history. It’s not even on an official record, only on special editions.

Have you gone ALL IN to the point you collapse with exhaustion and they have to carry you off the stage?

Click photo to go to the turning point show: Bon Jovi | Legendary Concert at Rosemont Horizon | Rosemont 1993

Ever since my college years where I once made the mistake to go out on Christmas Eve and there were only a handful of people in the bar
– in my defense: In the Netherlands Christmas is built around first and second day of Christmas, not Christmas Eve-
I seem to need this total Christmas disconnect wake-up call every 7 years or so.

And judging from the pointless exercise I just made to the business building where I have a mailing address only to find it closed early?
That 7 year marker was today.

You can’t escape destiny, because I sure as hell tried! 
You see, whereas normally I would never have gone there on a moment where there may be informal pre-Christmas afternoon drinks going on, with me being the casual visitor and ALL sides feeling awkward? 
I knew that was not the case this year! 

It’s 2020 and we’re all in lock down, saving me a lot of thinking about how to avoid being a party crasher at working life, extrovert life, or family life situations.
Or how to avoid being too heavily confronted with everybody who has entrepreneurial drinks, business drinks, or other work related drinks. 

It’s not that technically I would not be able to have them, although maybe by now it would be difficult because everybody knows I ll gladly clean up after you, pay you a bribe, or babysit your alligator;
Anything in order not to attend.

Technically, “I” was often welcome to attend.
But because what I stood for, who I am, wasn’t, I never wanted to go.

I felt I, as in who I really am, was never invited.

Although I had one friend in 2017 who invited the real me to her birthday. To this day I still remember and appreciate that, and I now know I was right in suspecting that real me was never invited all those other times and also that I was right in deciding I was never going to attend another party not feeling the way I was welcomed in 2017.

So although my problem with socializing is broader than just December, this month in particular, covering up, NOT naming things, and turning yourself inside and out to avoid confrontations, and to pretend everything is fine seems to be THE central underlying premises of all festivities.

I feel in order to be acceptable to people I have to dim my inner light to a degree that could barely hold a teapot lukewarm.

You cannot attend unless you re willing to play the game that everything is fine.
Even though, obviously, everything is rarely fine and the beehive usually has more the likings of a hornets’ nest.

So compared to other years I thought this year would be surprisingly easy in avoiding uncomfortable confrontations surrounding Christmas.
Until two hours ago and I stood in front of a dark office building.

Now I have a firm belief that everything happens for a reason.
For example, a not very far fetched scenario could be there was a letter from tax services in my mail, that would have spoiled my post-admin glow, which I attained when after basically 20 years of having a business, I could close the books Tuesday and sent them to my bookkeeper. 
Maybe Universe made sure an order I had placed for Christmas, was delayed and rescheduled twice, so I ended up housebound today.
By the time the parcel had arrived, I was too late and the building had closed.
Maybe I was never meant to find my mail today.

So it’s not the mail I worry about.

My worries are deeper, more profound, and they have the urgency of an existential crisis that needs to be solved NOW, as far as I am concerned.
Why am I disconnected from society?
What the F is this?
What is, the broader picture of the broader picture of the meta of things and THEN the meaning of life, for me?

The answer came to me by remembering a video which was posted this week.
Bon Jovi | Legendary Concert at Rosemont Horizon | Rosemont 1993

In the description box of this 1993 Bon Jovi concert, YouTube’s most popular Bon Jovi channel hAnD90 wrote: 

“This show was THE TURNING POINT of the Keep The Faith tour and the one that gave us the “holy” month of April.
Jon referred to this concert a couple of times in interviews himself.

Allegedly, someone had said to him backstage that this would be the last time he’d be able to play such a venue since Keep The Faith had been far behind most people’s expectations and ticket sales weren’t going well either.

It is said that this put Jon over the edge and they went on to perform as if it was the last time they’d be able to take any stage.

Concert attendees stated that Jon had to literally be carried off stage due to physical exhaustion after the set.

Jon Bon Jovi had to be carried off stage.
At the threat of being pushed down in rock n roll hierarchy, 7 years after achieving world fame and beyond with the album “Slippery When Wet”,
he was prepared to give it his all.

There is a saying: 
“It is never crowded, along the extra mile.”
Meaning that if you are willing to give more, give it your all, and rather die trying than give up? 
The world is yours.

And so it was.
The world became theirs, once again.
Resulting not just in what are considered their strongest years of touring, but also what many consider their best record These Days (1995) 

Ultimate though, the string of successes came to a still.
Everyone went their ways.
Jon appeared to have lost his heart to acting and his late 90s solo album was an indie record, not a rock record.

It became awfully quiet.

Until seven years after that Rosemont concert, Bon Jovi punched the world in the gut with their comeback album, Crush (2000) and first single It’s My Life.

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

With the album Crush and the single It’s My Life, Bon Jovi broke into what would become their most successful and productive decade ever.

Once every seven years we all get a chance to pick ourselves up.
To get our asses back on that stage, and to give it our all.
Pull all the stops.
Blow the fuses.
Fire on all cylinders.

And to not just go that extra mile; But to stretch it to its maximum potential. 

Until you have absolutely nothing more to give and they have to carry you off stage.

Rock Star Writer

The New Rock Star Writer 

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The 200o comeback:

When what you’re doing is no longer working { introducing Mr. or Ms. Passion }

 click on the photo for the book “Burning Desire: The Jimi Hendrix Experience through the Lens of Ed Caraeff”

Ed Caraeff was only 17 years old when he made the photo of a kneeling Jimi Hendrix who had set his guitar on fire.
He became a successful photographer, and 40 years later, he sold all his possessions including his photographic library, to travel across America in a camper.
Because he was so young when he started working, he wanted to make up for lost time.

Whether being guided from within age 17, like Ed Cardaeff, is thanks to luck, a personality trait, faith in God, or perhaps even something that can be trained?
When your passion calls you out that loudly, you walk the right path automatically.
And to the envy of many who do not have Jeanne d’Arc like callings. 

But there is a flip side…
The day when you realize it’s no longer working.

People who have learned to love their job (or each other!), or who have made a sensible choice for a profession that offers stability or gives them a sense of purpose, will be able to carry on even when things are shifting;
But for the passionate ones, like Ed, that is a hard landing.

You can compare it to the difference between a relationship that is functional because you re in your thirties and want children;
And a love affair you canceled your return ticket for, lost your job over, and are now stuck with abroad, and you can’t go back home because of Covid.

In the first situation, if the marriage is no longer serving you, you will be able to keep it up for a good while. Maybe even forever. Because it was largely designed and planned out to begin with.

But if you were used to doing everything intuitively and in full connection?
In full wanting of each other?
(there were times when you didn’t even eat that’s how much sex you had!)
And then suddenly conscious efforts are required to even remotely get along?
That stings.

So at times like that, it’s good to realize that it’s one or the other.

Either you re going to plan out your life, and make it sustainable;
But then you re never going to taste the sweet high of being carried by Life itself, always knowing the next step, having more energy than you would possibly know what to do with, creating your best work, needing hardly any sleep;
OR you’re going to enjoy all those things, and not be sensible and stable at all.

Whether you’re one or the other is (probably) set (by now).
But they can both train or work to get better outcomes!

Whether you’re Mr. or Ms. Passion or Mr. or Ms.  Plan;
There’s no reason to not get you where you want to go.
Providing you don’t work against your talent.

However what I have experienced, is that we as a society know much about how Mr. and Ms. Plan can reach for their dreams;
And very little about how Mr. or Ms. Passion should go about them.

The biggest difference between being someone who is comfortable planning their life, and someone who lives with passion and from an intrinsic need to do something, to answer a call, is that we (the creative and the passionate ones) also tend to muscle through it, thinking of our end goal.
When that will never work with us.
Instead, we need to find the passion back.

So what do you do then?
I imagine Ed Caraeff being front row at a Lenny Kravitz gig, and it was the one where his pants were accidentally ripped open and he was suddenly naked on stage. 
And Ed finds himself eye rolling instead of clicking his camera….

You stop.
You be.
You just allow that sense of knowing you’re in the wrong spot to sink in and allow all the feelings that come with it.

If I look back on my life, it is the ONE lesson I could have learned earlier;
When it’s no longer working, for a passionate creative person?

That is a whole different ballgame than if it’s no longer working for someone who has been consciously designing and planning his or her life.
They can tweak and hack around it;
But for us such a thing is pointless.

We need to burn the bridge and move on. 

So here I am, December 2020.
One year after I became single.
Two years after I became a Bon Jovi fan.
And it is time to burn the bridge.

Just like Ed Careaff, I have cleared out all the paperwork.
Removed the list of Bon Jovi concerts I was going to review, from my kitchen cabinet.
Tore out a manually written catalog of Bon Jovi songs, from an A4 journal. Threw them out and stored the remainder of the notebook with only blank pages.
Cleared out my ringbinder with information on the 1995-1996 tour.
I unfollowed all Bon Jovi accounts, and Bon Jovi affiliated accounts.
The only ones I kept are people I consider friends.

So here I am.
With absolutely nothing to show for.

Yet I feel as if I’m 24 years old, on my knees;
And I just set my guitar on fire.

Rock Star Writer

The New Rock Star Writer 

Subscribe to the blog, to get these posts in your mailbox.
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I have no idea what I m going to do on YouTube from now on.
but I ll be there as soon as I know! 😉 Suzanne Beenackers YouTube