To say I slept poorly last night would be an understatement. I had nightmares, hallucinations, and a replaying of events as if I had gone through a traumatic event, rather than through of a week to reflect and decide on some things I knew I needed clarity on.
I had finally gotten to the root of why I was stalling on my second career in yoga, my first career in business teaching, and my Rock Star project which started summer 2019.
Why wasn’t I doing what I knew I was meant to?
Why wasn’t I living into my purpose?
It was a question that could be answered on many levels but the moment I had crashed into a raw bloody wall of pure agony, I knew:
Or “Oh God No for fucks sake!” and then “Jackpot!”.
I knew it was the biggie, and that I needed time to think.
Jackpot or not, the thing was so frightening, that my first instinct was to run away from it by destroying ten years worth of blogs and six years worth of YouTube channels.
That was a more appealing option than to stay calm and seriously thinking about it.
I managed to delay pushing the button of destruction, by a few days. And then last night there were the nightmares and hallucinations.
It would probably best compare to one of those vision quests you can get under the watchful eye of a Shaman.
It did give clarity, that’s for sure!
Just that I didn’t expect that a few days of logically thinking it over, would bring me into another world.
I just recall I also had one featherlight unexplained event. The night before my breakthrough insights, I had a motion-detection operated light in my house switch on out of nowhere. On a spot without any draft, and my cats were sleeping. It has never done that and because I was having such a deep-thinking, make or break week, I thought about what it could mean.
Maybe I was getting guidance, from the other side!
But aside from the mysterious light, the rest of the week had been very worldly.
And the encounters I had were very real as well.
And the insights I am sharing with you today were not formed in a Shaman tent nor in my hallucinatory night.
They were based in truth, in what I saw.
And in what ultimately scared me more than any unexplained events, or spirits from another realm, ever could. And eventually, yes, it scared me far more than the raw bloody wall of pure agony that had been undermining my creative work.
What I saw is what happens when you do not answer the call.
That thing inside of you that comes out in your art.
Or what used to come out, until you started using work, alcohol, drugs and the busyness of the day to day to grind to numb it.
And now all you do when you have spare time is some variation of consuming. Consuming too much food, too much socializing, buying too much stuff you do not need.
Before all of those things started becoming who you are, and you still knew who you were;
The art, that THEN, came out of you.
I understood what would happen if I would not answer the call.
And, as I assume:
What will happen to you, if you fail too.
If you do not answer the calling of the artist within, of the Rock Star within, then it is going fight for its life.
It feels like despair, it feels like anger, it feels like desire.
It feels like agony, it feels like dying a spiritual and creative death in a Shaman tent on hallucinogenic mushrooms and that is because you ARE, dying a spiritual and creative death.
And I imagine that one day you will wake up thinking:
“What a good and noble thing that I didn’t follow through on my creative career, because now I am safe and I have everything I want.”
Everything, but the one thing you ever wanted.
Everything, but the one thing, your creative Rock Star soul ever craved for, and ever needed out of life.
So next time you feel absolutely horrible, next time you can’t sleep, next time you feel like tearing up what you created because what is the point anyway;
Next time you re afraid, next time you cry, next time a part of you no longer wants to live?
It is your Rock Star soul fighting for its right to live.
Its right to RULE.
To unleash into the world, and not in the planned, moderate, drip by drip way, but by turning up your life and pulling out the stops.
It is your Rock Star soul telling you loudly, that it is more than ready to claim back what was yours and to take over your life.
And it’s waiting for your “Hell fucking Yes!”
That was it!
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Rock Star Yoga (yoga) + Life lessons in Bon Jovi songs (talk)
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This Rock Star Writer blog is an element of “Rock Star” [phase 2]
Title: “Rock Star”
or “Rock Star yoga/ business/ writer”
artists: Suzanne Beenackers, little bear Puux
art form: performance art
phase 1: earliest expressions, mixed work, July 2019 – March 2022
phase 2: April 2022 –
3 YouTube channels
1. English YouTube “Liberation”: Rock Star Yoga + Life lessons in Bon Jovi songs
2. Nederlandse YouTube “de Catacombe” studio voor Rock Star Yoga
3. YouTube Rock Your Business
De headers from all channels have been changed already, so you know you re in the right spot.
2 Facebook pages
1. Rock Star Writer on Facebook
2. Dutch: Suzanne Beenackers Schrijver Facebook met beertje Puux
1 Twitter account
my personal Twitter account