I think I should have started with:
“I made a mistake.”
Followed by:
“A huge one.”
“Perhaps unforgivable.”
“Probably two, depending on how you count.”
But they’re related so maybe I can get away with calling it one.

Every Sunday, and twice a week if he has the time, the Bon Jovi remaster demi-God hAnD90 treats us to a new remastered concert recording.
https://www.youtube.com/user/hAnD90

And every Sunday, but twice a week if it’s been a holiday or there was otherwise a day off which was immediately invested in creating for his channel, I get confronted with how little I have done for this Bon Jovi blog, and for my Bon Jovi Concert Series on YouTube where I review the 1995-1996 concerts. That has turned out more of a quarterly activity.

I m confronted with all the plans I had for this blog and my YouTube channel.
And how I failed.
And failed.
And then I failed again even though I had been sure this time I would make it “work”.

My last blog post here was how I would watch half an hour of the Bon Jovi concert every day and make little 5 minute reviews (videos), covering only half an hour of material instead of 2,5 hours per show. 
I never did that.
Ever.
I m sure it was a good idea in theory, but I m just not doing it. Watching half an hour of Bon Jovi concert, making notes, and then setting myself and my couch up to make a video;
Bleh.

It feels like penicillin.
Or a to-do.
Or like a desperate attempt to make a life that is not fun, fun.

To me watching that half hour of Bon Jovi, would feel like punishment. Like a disconnect from other people. It would be just as lonely and awful as publishing my books, which is another thing I have made some important decisions around, but that s a story for another day.
But the truth is:
I don’t want to spend my free time studying Bon Jovi, making reviews. And I also don’t want to spend it studying the video Live From London and write blog posts from that. I don’t want to spend them listening to the Box Set and then write about those songs.

My “1995 Bon Jovi Concerts series” on YouTube, the Live From London series here on this blog, the The Box Set series here on this blog too;
They were me thinking I was anything like hAnD90

But I have nothing to offer you in the die-hard Bon Jovi fan, knows-their-shit, works-their-butt-off, skilled-as-fuck, area.
Nothing.
I stand here naked before you.

In one of the hAnD90 chats, a man with whom I was flirting, told me to listen to a certain song. I noted it down, and made the resolution to go listen to it. Yet two weeks after, at the next premiere chat (hAnD90 had a week off), the man appeared on our chat,
and I said:
“Hi (X)! Still haven’t listened to Rotterdam 1989 I ll Be There For You.”
“You had two weeks!” he typed.
“I know!” I yelled.
Probably a bit overexcited because I had already thought of how to turn this into something good.
“I haven’t done my homework. I think I deserve a spanking!”
“It was Livin’ In Sin,” he said. “You deserve two spankings.”

Now THAT, is what I gladly show up for.
THAT, is what I do with my free time.
And you see how smooth that went, right? 
I mean, it takes two to tango, but I had my reply in place. I had anticipated this. In the two weeks where I was dramatically failing at an assignment as simple as to listen to ONE song (I had even failed at remembering the title correctly), I already thought:
“Well, at least I ll turn it into something sexy, if I really haven’t listened to it by Sunday.”

And I did.

But even if I had listened, and this is just to hammer my point home that I m not cut out for the work I thought I was doing here, even then there would be such a high chance I would not pick up on what it was X wanted me to hear.
Is there something like musical dyslexia? 
Because then I definitely have it.
It would explain why nothing musical ever “sticks”. 

I’ve heard Wembley 2nd night 1995 about 50 times now, and yet I remember nothing.
I ve started over many times; throwing out my printed setlists with all the notes, thinking that this time I m going to get it right. Push through. Start listening in a disciplined fashion, a little every day, and get my head around it. And then make the video review of the concert.

I ve gone through that process multiple times, and I m still on Wembley second night 1995, knowing I have to start all over again, again, because the notes don’t mean anything to me anymore.

Like I said:
I stand here naked.
There is absolutely nothing of musical interest I can offer you, and I am done wasting my hours studying something that I am obviously not cut out to understand.

I have no idea what I m going to do with the YouTube channel………

Okay.
I m done.
That was it, that was the (naked) bottom, dark side of the coin, that – fortunately for me – has another side as well.

And this is my second mistake, but it was really nothing more than a logical consequence of the first part of the mistake, where I apparently thought I was hAnD90 and had something coherent to say about music.

The other side of the coin, the thing I AM good at, is to immediately see emotion, love, freedom, God.
And sex.

And what I do on a daily basis, is to look for those things.
When I write, when I chat, when I do my Daily Bon Jovi Yoga (which is also still not daily yet, because I haven’t given that total free rein), when I meet people; Emotion, love, freedom, God, STORY (forgot that one!), and SEX.
That’s what I look for.

I m not going to say I  specialize at sex, because that is compartmentalized thinking as well. Thinking there are specialists for sex, is part of the problem. And besides I don’t have a business anymore, I m not selling anything, so I don’t have to pretend I know anything about anything.
But I have left sex out, way more than I should have.

Unless I could tie it to Bon Jovi, for example in my favorite post on this blog 5 Unexpectedly Sexual Bon Jovi Songs, I felt unworthy of sharing it here.
This was a proper blog, and I was not allowed to pollute it with whatever was on my mind.

But by tying this blog to the topic of Bon Jovi, I was basically making myself audition for my own blog. If I wasn’t writing about Bon Jovi, then it/ I wasn’t good enough to be here.

This blog exists almost two years now.
And over that time I have become more constrictive, less spontaneous.
No wonder, really, that I stopped writing. 
And that every Sunday when hAnD90 had a new premiere, I wallowed in shame about my unproductiveness for this work. I always felt that sting, of not being good enough for the work I was called to do!

Except: You re ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WORK YOU RE CALLED TO DO!
But you can’t go around pretending it’s something fancy and proper, if the work you’re called to do is messy, sexy, rich in love, God, mystery, more sex.
And then you soak it into Bon Jovi to amalgamate it all together, in all its random messiness.
And you pull it out, like an artist pulls out their creation from the steaming hot pot filled with boiling metal.
And you present it to the world.

I know that’s not proper.
Not the pinnacle of productivity, or usefulness. It’s not of service, doesn’t cure Covid, makes matters worse, and may annoy the shit out of plenty of people who thought I was going to play nice, and here I am wearing horns AND wings.

When a 100 years from now, my work is dug up it will probably end up on the trash pile.

But damn, is it hot!

~Suzanne
Rock Star Writer
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