I used to see it VERY clearly:
But not anymore.
I knew I was going to change the face of yoga, and most of all – I was going to change how people view it.
From something with limited applicability, something learned from someone else, to something limitless and personal.
Something unique and creative.
Something YOU create by stepping onto your mat, putting on the music of your choice and just take it away.

I imagined you’d already practiced with YouTube videos from Yoga with Adriene, or taken a few classes in your town.
Perhaps you weren’t able to find a studio or class times to suit your need.
These blogs on how yoga doesn’t have any rules, and that finding inspiration within yourself is the key, would strengthen your belief in yourself and protect you from looking outside of yourself for guidance.

But like I said:
I can’t see it anymore.
Not the BIG picture.

I can see the small picture, of me keeping this blog on as a hobby project, and helping the occasional student who wants help designing their own practice.
But I can’t see the big picture, where I change the face of yoga.

And the main reason is that I think I m autistic, and if that is the case it means that my entire frame of mind is different.

In the light of my autism, the reason I failed as a yoga teacher, and the reason teaching stressed me out becomes extremely simple:
Because teaching yoga, especially as a woman, is what we autistic people call “super neurotypical”.
It means all social standards, unwritten rules and expectations apply to me.
And then some.

I ve seen different transcripts of a neurotypical conversation, versus a conversation between two autistic people. Two autistic people talk by alternating having a monologue about a certain subject.
They have a high density of information.
It is content driven.

Two neurotypicals have conversations based on making each other feel good, have a low information density.

The reason I can’t see myself changing the face of yoga anymore, is that yoga already has the perfect neurotypical face:
It is based on making you feel good and has a low information density.

In my defense: I do make a good one-on-one connection, where we immediately get to the core of what it is that moves you and inspires you.
But if you just “brush by me” or come into contact with me, without me being able to tune into you personally?
My presence could have a terrible effect on you; You may unexpectedly feel the pain of knowing you’ve been living the wrong life.
And then what?

Can I then still say Rock Star Yoga is great, because it provides an inspirational, personal approach to yoga and doesn’t have the limitations of taking group yoga classes in normal studios?
No.
I say: “I wish you had never met me, because I ve only made things worse.”

My autism diagnoses is telling me what I have known for a long time: That most people are better off not knowing me.

That it’s only the one percent within the one percent, who will absolutely thrive knowing they can design their own yoga, just like they can design their own life.
My clarity, my presence, and probably my mental makeup because I m autistic are just as great for them, as they are highly disturbing for those who are just Googling “yoga”.

I no longer want to change the face of yoga, because I believe its current face is perfect to most.

But then how do I reach the one percent within the one percent, without disturbing yoga for the others?

~Suzanne
Rock Star Writer

afterthought 9 December 2020

This post was written 14 months ago, and I still don’t know the answer to this question.

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