the Artist versus the Yoga Teacher | (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

Mick Jagger doing yoga
“Financially, dissatisfied.
Sexually, satisfied.
Philosophically, trying.”
.
Mick Jagger, 1969,
Gimme Shelter documentary
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Originally, the title to this blog had a third name in the loop.
Next to Artist versus Yoga Teacher, I was going to squeeze in:
Entrepreneur.
And although I immediately took it out, if only for reasons of style, now that I have started writing and musing over this story that I m about to share, I think:
“Well maybe that WAS the key!”
Maybe the fact that Entrepreneur did not make it into the title of this blog post, explains not just what happened last night – the story of I Can’t Get No Satisfaction – but that it explains my entire life.
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We used to have a game on television here in the Netherlands “Lingo”, and it was kind of like Bingo.
And the host would say, whenever a ball with a number came up that was not on the “big bingo card”;
“X (insert number) is not on the card.”
.
And with me:

“Entrepreneur” is not on the card.
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That is not to say that I don’t enjoy marketing and selling: I absolutely love and adore it!
But not for my own services.
.
With every decision that I make for myself, trouble starts when I start seeing myself as an entrepreneur.
Or if I take actions (even the ones I was going to take already!!) with the perspective of making money.
This does not mean I don’t ask money for what I do:
I don’t give away time for free, nor do I undercharge.
But my main goal is focusing on creating what I want to create, and then to usually share it for free.
It saves me the selling process and maintaining customer service.
If I were to create and sell an online course, I would be responsible for it till the end of time.

Every time I see the words “lifetime access” tied to courses that I buy myself, or that are offered to me, I get shivers down my spine.
And not the good ones.
Promising lifetime access to online products, feels like a virus you will never get rid of.
.
Whereas creating online for free, is absolute heaven.
I have two YouTube Channels and two blogs under this name.
Plus I write a lot of “illegal blog posts” , which means I don’t post them to a blog but only on Facebook.
And I have a pen name, for which I practically do not write anymore because of the C crisis.
My pen name has existed online since 2010, and it’s a more or less secret account, so that I can write freely about my exciting, secretive, sex life.
Needless to say, with C. there no longer is anything remotely interesting to write about.
.
And next to all of that, since three weeks, I am teaching online classes.
And it was in this setting that this story  takes place. Because I showed up to teach my online class themed “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, and there was no one there in the Facebook group.
It’s a small Facebook group, and it’s aimed at friends and former students of the studio.
I have no intention of recreating an “official” online studio (this is The Artist part, more on that later), so I didn’t mind that no one was there.

It was just that I had not thought it through in advance, what I was going to do, if I was there by myself.
.
I knew at least one student who had paid particularly to attend Monday’s class, and one in particular for Thursday, but was I “obliged” to teach on Tuesday, if no one was there?
Did any of the others fancy this particular class in Replay?
Or could I pretend play, someone would watch it again later, and get great value out of it; So that I could get rid of this eerie feeling and just teach as I always do?
.
When 40 minutes later my mind still had not solved that riddle, and my class had not been the quality it normally has, I gave up, cancelled the rest of the class, and wrote a message on our page, just in case people were looking for the replay and could not find it.
.
The strange thing was, that I understood immediately – as soon as I saw no one was on the live stream – that I would not be able to teach the class.
But I pushed through, because I was so flabbergasted by it.
I didn’t understood WHY, this was such a big deal, right?
I ve been making YouTube videos since 2015, and the largest part of it were yoga videos.
Then why, within a month after my first live stream, did it suddenly become such a big deal that no one was there?

It was this question, this not understanding the deeper underlying principle that would explain the WHY, that caused the restlessness, and caused me to continue.
At least for 40 minutes anyway.
.
The strange thing was, that I had kind of predicted this would happen!
Both no one showing up, as well as me totally “overthinking” it.
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I predicted it, although laughingly, because the topic of I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, is obviously so sexual I totally understood people feeling uncomfortable attending.
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But I also predicted that I would think this through, until I had gotten down to the core of its meaning.
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Because I started the live stream with the Mick Jagger quote about financial, sexual, philosophical satisfaction, stating that – as opposed to Mick – 

I scored a full 100% on philosophical satisfaction.
That over the years I had thought so long and hard, over many of the underlying very philosophical and psychological mechanisms, that you can ask me anything about anything, and I ll know the answer.
I will be able to cut to the core of whatever it is you have trouble with, and I will discover where you have lost your power, which is always at the root of every problem.
And then I will tell you which belief or vision you need to let go off, or what you need to do, in order to immediately regain control over your life.
.

I adapted Mick’s quote to my own situation:

“Sexually, dissatisfied.
Philosophically, satisfied.
Financially, trying.”

Suzanne Beenackers, 2020
unreleased live stream yoga class.

“I m philosophically satisfied. And not only that, I m filled to the brim,” I said in my introduction to the online class I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.
“I really would not know where to store another drop.”

Yet I m writing this blog post on a Wednesday morning, after a yogaclass I did not teach, and about a sex life I do not have.
If I had been in any way serious about being sexually satisfied, I would have spent this Wednesday morning entirely different.
C crisis or no C crisis.
.

So I m in my fourth week of teaching the online classes* to friends and former students, and after no one showed up last night, I woke up with this sense of:
“Shouldn’t I make this bigger?”
After all, if I make a real sales page, with people looking for yoga finding this exciting online group, where it’s about Sex and Purpose, and the classes are mixed with popular culture and rock mythology;
If I did that and made it successful, there would never be a Tuesday night ever again, where I didn’t have anyone live there with me.
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But I could feel the pull, the shift in energy, immediately.
First off, between yoga teacher “me” and artist me.
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Yoga teacher me, is someone who still feels the need to “sell yoga”. To offer something that resembles what people expect when going into a yoga class.
To Yoga Teacher Me, adding Mick Jagger or Jon Bon Jovi into the mix of what it is I teach, is nothing more than an accessory.
Yoga Teacher Me is very conservative and tends to think: “That’s all fine, have a little fun. Just don’t take it too far.”
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Whereas Artist Me, immediately thinks:
“Oh really? You know what, I M GONNA TAKE IT TOO FAR! You leave me no choice!”
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Artist Me rebels against any and all limitations.
And she does it hard.
She’ll burn the thing down, if that’s what it takes to get rid of your expectations of what it is she should or should not do.
She ends relationships, friendships, business arrangements.
She starts fires, arguments, she blows things up.
And Artist Me is definitely the one teaching upcoming Thursday’s class:
“Sympathy for the Devil”
In fact, she leaned back, put her feet on the table, interlaced her hands behind her head and said:
“Well, now there’s a class that doesn’t need any preparation!”
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Artist Me is the devil incarnated, and it’s the most authentic and real part of me.
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So in hindsight, I understand perfectly, why I could not teach a live stream with no one there.
Yoga Teacher Me would have done it.
She would dutifully do her work, that she said she would do.
She needed no praise or approval, she didn’t need anybody there, to teach her yoga class.
For Yoga Teacher Me it would be enough that someone might enjoy the Replay.
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And Entrepreneurial Me would definitely have given that live stream class.
Because it was paid for (people pay per week) so to Entrepreneurial Me it would not have made much difference if they were present to enjoy what they paid for.
Business is business.
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The only part of me, and like I said it’s the biggest, most dominant part of me, that has no interest in doing her duty, in meeting expectations, or being paid, is Artist Me.
And from an artistic point this makes sense:
The art I create can only exist because there is an audience.
It’s a very well-known definition of art, to say it cannot exist without it being seen.
And it’s a definition I really like.

You could even say that the art comes into being, ONLY because of an audience!
In the 80s there was a modern art retrospective at the Groninger Museum, in the Netherlands.
And on opening night the managing director of the museum said they had gone over all their pieces:
“Is this art?”
If it was art, they would not show it.
The exhibition only contained pieces which were NOT art! 
But of course, they immediately became art, the moment they were admitted to the expo.
Something similar is the exercise Marina Abramovic has given to her students:
Every day, sit down and write an idea on a piece of paper.
If it’s a good idea, save it. If it’s a bad idea throw it in a (designated) trash can.
After 30 days, bring both; The stack of good ideas and the ideas from the trashcan.
She ignored the good ideas and went over the trashcan ideas with her students:
Discovering they were all brilliant ideas.
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A yoga teacher teaches what helps her students.
An entrepreneur gives what has been paid for.
But an artist needs the spectator,
to breathe it to life.
An artist cannot work unless you offer him or her your soul.
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Just like the Devil.
..

~Suzanne

Yesterday, I created a powerful video on Gimme Shelter.
You can find it here at the bottom of this post, or on YouTube.

Update 

In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.

New videos expected too, at Suzanne Beenackers YouTube

About this blog

These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.

Rock Star Writer on Facebook*
my personal Twitter account

* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.

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