One of the most interesting parts for me, when creating the 1995 Bon Jovi concert series on my YouTube, is: I know I ll learn something from it.
But what?
Just like my Dutch yoga series/ Dutch YouTube, which was supposed to be daily and that fell flat on its face two weeks ago; It will be okay in the end. But when?
My online classes, which I taught with so much joy, to friends; I think I ll pick them up this week, but will I?
I started an entire new series for my pen name which didn’t even make it into a blog. It just stranded. It was supposed to be a 82 day series, that didn’t even make it through the first day.
And I wanted to start doing yoga with Bon Jovi albums again, meanwhile also selecting my favorite songs, reviewing these albums here…
Nothing.
When will I stop being in this cycle of uncreating and self-sabotage?
I went down a slippery slope, ultimately stopping all creative outlets, in the same two weeks I made a BIG decision with regard to work.
And yes- I suppose it was inevitable that going through the decision making process of cancelling the entire side of you that has to do with business, entrepreneurship, with marketing, content management- basically everything you’ve been doing for the past 20 years – will cost some energy.
Of course it will.
But two weeks and counting?
And then there’s some financial things I have to take care of (again, or still) that I also have not done. So after two weeks of doing very little, I also have not done anything useful except for blowing up two decades worth of experience, and (ultimately) today’s decision to start my life from scratch tomorrow.
To pull myself back up on my bootstraps, forget the last two decades, and start again.
And yet, in those two weeks where there seemed to be forever more ground to be swept from underneath me, I HAVE been consistent with my Bon Jovi series on YouTube.
Until even that became a problem. And I dropped out on June 6, 1995, their first night in Berlin.
It was a short show: 1 hour fifty minutes. You can find it here below.
And it was this show that could have taught me:
– to perform in less than ideal circumstances
Bon Jovi knew right from the beginning of their June 6, Berlin show, they would only be able to play a short set, before curfew set in and the police would get them off stage.
Jon Bon Jovi mentions it several times in the show.
– to push to make it memorable
It was almost like Jon was back to his “opening for the Scorpions” mode, that is how much he engaged with the crowd and cheered them on.
And Richie practically had to win over his own crowd, doing his solo song Stranger in this Town. And he too succeeded and gave everybody a great time.
– to cut corners
They didn’t play anything from their still to be released album, These Days, and focused on the songs everybody knew.
– to take risks
It was the only night they played “Never Wanna Say Goodbye”, with Steven Van Zandt. It was his song, and he was on stage with them every night in Europe.
But this was the only night they played this song. “Without practicing it” as Jon says.
– to be poetic
“The rain held up for us: I think even the angels wanted to see this show tonight.”
Today was the second rainy day in a row, for The Netherlands. Maybe that was the reason I m still at rock bottom: It wasn’t time yet, for the angels to intervene.
~Suzanne
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
The short but powerful show they gave on their first night in Berlin, with all the lessons in it, I didn’t learn.
I was on THE VERGE of writing a part deux to a Dutch post I wrote yesterday.
You see, unlike anything anybody expected to get out of this quarantine situation, our national health service thingy – the one which makes all the recommendations about what to do about the C. crisis – very unexpectedly gave us singles ONE sex buddy each!
It was almost like that joke, where the patient asks his doctor if he can play piano after his fingers were broken.
And the doctor says yes, and he answers:
“Cool! I could never do that before!”
Because we never had sex buddies.
And most singles do not have sex at all, right?
Even most people in relationships and/or married don’t have flourishing sex lives, but at least they have some options and chances- someone to focus their efforts on. And then out of the clear blue sky; Bam! We get a free gift!
1-0 for Dutch singles! After two-and-a-half month of quarantine we take the lead, by unexpectedly getting a One sex buddy each – voucher, during lockdown.
When technically, up until that moment, singles didn’t even exist below the belt.
And this goes in particular for the females! The only time we are allowed to have sex is when it happens because we feel “safe” and “special”.
READ: If we are somehow tricked into thinking he’ll have a relationship with us, then we might have sex somewhere surrounding a dating situation.
And maybe he’ll come back and make a decent woman out of us, by dating us for a longer period of time.
Or, alternatively, he doesn’t and then we automatically were “wrong” or “too soon”.
Health, exercise and mental health, are all talked about and treated and so on, far more extensively than 50 years ago. But the refusal to see that this goes hand in hand with A – privilege Of money, time, and freedom. And B. – sexuality is still present. We like talking about health when it means we can tell people off for eating unhealthy and giving them meal plans and exercise schedules. We do not like talking about women who make their marriages toxic by being obsessed with clogged up arteries and wining about their husbands’ drinking, eating and sitting on their ass watching tv all day, numbing the noise out; When HE would be wide awake enjoying life if he had kept chasing the ladies and taking care of his body after his wedding day; And she would be a blushing, fun, woman hitting the gym and all the hot guys half her age, if she had given herself permission to just go for it and enjoy life.
We have very limited ideas about where we want our health and happiness to come from, and sexuality – with its massively disruptive effects and unpredictable behavior because – hey! it really does take two!- sexuality is our least favorite tool.
If a sex doctor could tell us we would add an extra twenty years to our lives if we would give up on the idea of regiment and limitations, and surrender to what our senses bring us? Say yes to adventure, to uncertainty; Let ourselves be tempted?
We wouldn’t do it.
We would rather die underused and RIGHT; Accepted, boring but reliable; Than to die having broken all the written and unwritten rules, and add twenty years of fun and adventure to our name.
So, considering how strict married people are to themselves, judging their own extramarital sexuality so harshly, it will come as no surprise that it is not supported in singles either.
Anyway, I feel I m drifting off but just interpret the previous paragraphs of proof of how much time I had already spent studying this, and coming to accept that it was all just so rotten and hopeless, I was not going to see the day we would normalize sex. Because it makes it relatable as to HOW THRILLED I was with this government organisation, unexpectedly, giving us the green light to go have sex! Like I said with the piano comparison; So cool! Because we never had that before.
24 Hours after that announcement, and after my blog which by the way I did not intend to write (I usually don’t write in Dutch, just about yoga or cartoons).
24 Hours after I wrote about this great news for The Netherlands, and since The Guardian wrote about our sex buddy as well, you could probably say great news for the world as a whole; They pulled it back.
The government organization. As a friend of mine would say: “They pulled back their turd.”
God damn it. I knew it!
I was so angry.
The blog had been for nothing. The joy had been for nothing. And we were back to the same patriarchal misogynistic residual Christian bullshit society we had been living in for 2000 years.
And although this Saturday was supposed to be spent buying a new vacuum cleaner and preparing for my new Bon Jovi video for tonight I SWORE I had to write a part deux for the Dutch blogpost! And it was going to be FULL-ON! I was going to destroy everything…
I was going to strike back by letting everyone know what I had already been vowing in silence at the beginning of this crisis, when I had gotten absolutely sick of the compliant, fearful, nature of the Dutch when lockdown measures were taken (suffice to say I understood why it took the Germans less than 48 hours to take this country); That I was going to rebel for the rest of my life to make up for the miserable, fearful months, in which I was domesticated by law. I was going to sleep with every married man, I set my eyes on. As a principle. Revenge. The remaining part of my life would serve as a very big fuck you to a society that had behaved like chickenshits, and that had used a virus to force its restrictive unhealthy views on sexuality down everybody’s throat, by allowing only the married couples to have sex.
I could see myself go to sleep with the taste of blood in my mouth every night, of all the marriages I would cut the arteries of. Just for fun.
I would kill for pleasure.
So, that was the dark, depressed, deplorable mental state I was in, when within 24 hours the government just snatched their gift of the sex buddy back. And I could not let this go.
I really thought there was no turning back. I was determined to go over to the Dark Side.
And then something happened. It seemed insignificant at first. I noticed a new Bon Jovi fan, who was having lively interaction with some of the accounts I follow.
I checked his timeline first. I certainly didn’t need any more negativity since I was carrying enough toxins within me, to poison an entire fanbase.
I didn’t need anybody else’s.
But he checked out.
And I sent him a tweet, and soon the happy replies were mine to receive. I answered but in silence I still thought: “I will stay angry with the world!” But he won.
And The Most Hateful Post where I declared war on married people, Dutch government, and all those not in favor of sex buddies for everybody, evaporated.
It is gone.
Entirely.
What were my favorite Bon Jovi songs? he asked. And my least favorite? And did I know this song? And that song?
And tweet by tweet my anger just fully and thoroughly melted away. And I knew that whomever he was, he was obviously here to keep me from spreading hate. Heal me from being angry. And ultimately, to have a conversation about which Bon Jovi songs were the sexiest.
And so we did.
So maybe that is the big lesson, the take away here:
You can’t plan these things. Not the good, nor the bad.
You can’t plan on having sex buddies anymore than you can plan on not having them. Love and sex cannot be planned nor approved by government or by anybody else – they just happen when they do.
And usually when you least expect it.
~Suzanne
Top 5 Sexiest Bon Jovi Songs
And the lyrics that prove it.
5. Diamond Ring (These Days, 1995)
“When you’re hungry, I will fill you up When you’re thirsty, drink out of my loving cup”
This song probably has the strangest history out of all Bon Jovi songs.
Written for New Jersey (1988) it didn’t make the cut. Neither did it for Keep for Faith (1992).
But it has been performed live from the late 80s onward.
By the time it was released on record, they had been performing Diamond Ring on stage for years. Letting hundreds of thousands of fans drink out of their loving cup.
4. River of Love (Richie Sambora solo, 1991)
“Take you down real slow And then your body will quiver And the river will flow”
When Howard Stern inducted a reunited Bon Jovi to The Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, he made jokes which referred to the sexual appetite of Richie Sambora, and I don’t think any fan has any doubt which one of the two front men possessed the “raw, untamed power”, as Star Wars put it.
Yet, it actually took me until a couple of failed attempts of searching for super sexual songs or lyrics, for a variety of art projects, to realize how non-explicit Bon Jovi songs really were.
There are no sexual words in there.
But having said that, comparing the solo records from Jon and Richie, will give you an indication of which one of the two… well. You do the math.
3. Amen (what About now,2013)
“Honeysuckle on her lips Sweeter than a man deserves to taste Mercy, mercy, what else can I say?”
Much to my surprise, this – in my opinion – extremely intimate song, has been played live all the way up to their most recent tour in 2019. Hail to Jon. Amen.
2. I’m Your Man (Burning Bridges,2015)
“When your heart is hungry When you want a secret you can keep You know that you can call me Anytime for anything you need”
This is my personal favorite! Not just because this song describes my perfect relationship, but it’s so upbeat and fun! The odd-one-out Burning Bridges album (2015) is worth its weight in gold for many reasons, but just having that album to have I m your Man blowing from your speakers and waking up the neighborhood, would probably already suffice.
As sort of a super important PS on this song!!
This is NOT the Leonard Cohen cover song I’m Your Man, which Bon Jovi has performed several times, and which is also very sexual, but in a more…. scripted way.
It’s used as a little play, between Jon Bon Jovi and his female audience.
You can find a video of that I m Your Man cover version, with crowd interaction, at the bottom of this post.
So if you Google I m Your Man Bon Jovi – live, you will find that cover version.
But the happy, upbeat I’m Your Man as it was released on the Burning Bridges album, has never been performed live.
Making it one of the most underappreciated Bon Jovi tracks ever.
1. Let’s Make It Baby (both versions)
version 1 Let’s Make It Baby- New Jersey Deluxe 1988 (demo)
version 2: released in 1996 on a 2-disc These Days album
“I want to play doctor. It keeps getting harder, harder, harder to keep me away I want to taste the sweat that’s runnin’ off of your body. Get the sheets all wet, I wanna make you feel naughty”
If “Amen” was a tribute to Leonard’s Cohen, Hallelujah; Let’s Make it Baby, is a haunting trip all the way back to the psychedelic organ-led music of The Doors. Including Jon Bon Jovi diving so deep into the purest and strongest of desires. Bon Jovi’s most erotic song, will probably stay unknown forever.
Hidden, on the Dark Side.
~Suzanne
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
Pop quiz: Which Jon will break your heart into a thousand pieces?
Now I’m not going to lie to you! As soon as I came up with this project idea, 2,5 days ago; Of course I knew this was going to be good. And beyond, beyond. But that at the same time, I would not be able to oversee it. That I just had to have faith, and take it one step at a time.
So what happened? Well, summer 2019, I started two projects: One was Rock Star Yoga, later refined to a Bon Jovi series on YouTube and this blog, which was entirely free. And the other project was under my pen name, where I would travel back in time 25 years, and keep a diary as my 22 year old self.
Both projects immediately felt “right” and “aligned”; Yet neither one of them hit the mark, completely. They did not fly the way I expected they would, but they stayed on the radar. They developed. And then after eight months on May 5th, I – probably inadvertently- connected the wires of the two separate projects and the sparks reached to the ceiling!
I had hit the jackpot, and I knew it.
The Rock Star Yoga Bon Jovi series on my YouTube was not supposed to cover the entire Bon Jovi body of work, moving from decade to decade.
And it wasn’t even supposed to be about yoga!
It was supposed to be about just Bon Jovi, and just one time.
25 Years ago.
And boy what I found there…. The These Days World Tour 1995 – 1996
It must be one of the best, most extensive, and considering the time probably one of the best documented rock n roll tours in history. And all praise goes to Bon Jovi for this, of course: The only thing that is my idea, is to revisit it, that’s all. It were their concerts, and it is thanks to them being so generous in sharing their music, that this project takes place. Try setting up a similar thing for Guns N Roses, and you will find YouTube content being decimated and restricted. Bon Jovi has betted on being less aggressive in executing their copy rights, and it has paid off. Multiple people/ accounts seem to be working around the clock professionally remastering old material. Bon Jovi is being curated, decades deep into their past, thanks to the efforts of fans. And I think it is this daring choice to work with the fans and not against them, that is making my work very easy. If you make a project of revisiting old Bon Jovi concerts, you cannot screw it up even if you wanted to.
And so the project started. The 1995 Bon Jovi Concert Series. And although for a while, I considered using the word “stories” for example instead of “series”, I decided against it. We all have our own way of looking at it. And emphasizing beforehand that I was in it for the narrative and not to count audience size or to come up with the best set-list analysis; Oh well, that would be clear soon enough.
click for the “Of course I got this” Always in Seoul, May 10 1995
Right now it’s, like I said, 2,5 days after I came up with the idea, and I ve already shot an introduction for my YouTube, and the first episode, about the concert yesterday, in Jakarta Indonesia. I m already preparing the next two shows: Tomorrow will be Singapore, of which no video material is available. But Sunday will be Seoul, South Korea. And this concert is largely documented.
There are some cuts, indicating some songs may be missing. It is in this show that I had my first “OMG I Can’t Believe This!”- Moment. I was totally intrigued and in a way also comforted. That although 1995 Jon Bon Jovi had really been THAT good, THAT invincible, and that his voice had been in mint condition; 2019 Jon won when it came to heart…
click for the heartbreaking Always in Nijmegen June 13, 2019
There is a recording of Jon singing Always in 2019, a time when the song was even more rarely performed than in the nineties, because now more than ever, he needed to save his voice. But this recording was so much more intense and emotional, than the 1995 had been.. Whatever he had lost in range, he had gained in his ability to build up the tension and savor the moment. The talent to bring you into his space and be with you; And to then reach for your heart, and leave you crying your eyes out.
Comparing the two videos, Seoul 1995 and Nijmegen 2019, shows us not the value of youth. But power of maturity.
~Suzanne
The Bon Jovi concert series, was not finished but it was not cancelled either! It’s just that making 1 video, analyzing shows that were 2,5 hours long, took me at least 6 hours and it just became undoable. So it stranded temporarily. Bon Jovi related (1996 or earlier) stories are expected and will be postedSuzanne Beenackers YouTube
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
Jon Bon Jovi Jakarta May 6, 1995; Click for a compilation of this concert
On May 6, 2020, we go back in time 25 years, and end up in Jakarta Indonesia, where Bon Jovi will totally be rocking the house, giving a sold out concert which has been edited for television. This moment in Bon Jovi history, will be the starting point of my new YouTube series.
And then we go…..
Starting slowly, reviewing 2, 3, concerts a week. But soon this These Days ride will spin totally out of control!
We will have five concerts a week at times, and rocking until the end of the year.
Their 1995, our 2020.
Then we’ll have a five month rest, which I suggest we use to recover. Unless I find out remarkable Bon Jovi history was made those months, and we continue in some other format. But either way, in May we return for our encore. And No! It is not the entire These Days tour.
Just like we didn’t start at the starting date of the These Days tour, our series will end a bit differently. With a legendary concert of Bon Jovi at a venue in the Netherlands which had not been used for rock concerts until then. Nor has it been used for it ever again. It was a one-off concert at a recreational park in the East of the Netherlands, June 1996. A concert remastered by hAnD90 on YouTube, and he refers to it as:
“A concert and setlist, so long and filled with magnificent songs
that it feels almost surreal.”
It’s May 5 now…. 2020. And I feel I have SO much to do! Film the introduction, prepare tomorrow’s video. And how the hell will I keep up?
You know what? I have no idea.
But I guess if they can do it, touring the world at this crazy pace; Then in some way, shape or form: So can we, 25 years later.
Let’s go.
~Suzanne
The Bon Jovi concert series, was not finished but it was not cancelled either! It’s just that making 1 video, analyzing shows that were 2,5 hours long, took me at least 6 hours and it just became undoable. So it stranded temporarily. Bon Jovi related (1996 or earlier) stories are expected and will be postedSuzanne Beenackers YouTube
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
Originally, the title to this blog had a third name in the loop.
Next to Artist versus Yoga Teacher, I was going to squeeze in:
Entrepreneur.
And although I immediately took it out, if only for reasons of style, now that I have started writing and musing over this story that I m about to share, I think:
“Well maybe that WAS the key!”
Maybe the fact that Entrepreneur did not make it into the title of this blog post, explains not just what happened last night – the story of I Can’t Get No Satisfaction – but that it explains my entire life.
.
We used to have a game on television here in the Netherlands “Lingo”, and it was kind of like Bingo.
And the host would say, whenever a ball with a number came up that was not on the “big bingo card”;
“X (insert number) is not on the card.”
.
And with me: “Entrepreneur” is not on the card.
.
That is not to say that I don’t enjoy marketing and selling: I absolutely love and adore it!
But not for my own services.
.
With every decision that I make for myself, trouble starts when I start seeing myself as an entrepreneur.
Or if I take actions (even the ones I was going to take already!!) with the perspective of making money.
This does not mean I don’t ask money for what I do:
I don’t give away time for free, nor do I undercharge.
But my main goal is focusing on creating what I want to create, and then to usually share it for free.
It saves me the selling process and maintaining customer service.
If I were to create and sell an online course, I would be responsible for it till the end of time. Every time I see the words “lifetime access” tied to courses that I buy myself, or that are offered to me, I get shivers down my spine. And not the good ones. Promising lifetime access to online products, feels like a virus you will never get rid of.
.
Whereas creating online for free, is absolute heaven.
I have two YouTube Channels and two blogs under this name.
Plus I write a lot of “illegal blog posts” , which means I don’t post them to a blog but only on Facebook.
And I have a pen name, for which I practically do not write anymore because of the C crisis.
My pen name has existed online since 2010, and it’s a more or less secret account, so that I can write freely about my exciting, secretive, sex life.
Needless to say, with C. there no longer is anything remotely interesting to write about.
.
And next to all of that, since three weeks, I am teaching online classes.
And it was in this setting that this story takes place. Because I showed up to teach my online class themed “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, and there was no one there in the Facebook group.
It’s a small Facebook group, and it’s aimed at friends and former students of the studio.
I have no intention of recreating an “official” online studio (this is The Artist part, more on that later), so I didn’t mind that no one was there. It was just that I had not thought it through in advance, what I was going to do, if I was there by myself.
.
I knew at least one student who had paid particularly to attend Monday’s class, and one in particular for Thursday, but was I “obliged” to teach on Tuesday, if no one was there? Did any of the others fancy this particular class in Replay? Or could I pretend play, someone would watch it again later, and get great value out of it; So that I could get rid of this eerie feeling and just teach as I always do?
.
When 40 minutes later my mind still had not solved that riddle, and my class had not been the quality it normally has, I gave up, cancelled the rest of the class, and wrote a message on our page, just in case people were looking for the replay and could not find it.
.
The strange thing was, that I understood immediately – as soon as I saw no one was on the live stream – that I would not be able to teach the class.
But I pushed through, because I was so flabbergasted by it.
I didn’t understood WHY, this was such a big deal, right?
I ve been making YouTube videos since 2015, and the largest part of it were yoga videos.
Then why, within a month after my first live stream, did it suddenly become such a big deal that no one was there? It was this question, this not understanding the deeper underlying principle that would explain the WHY, that caused the restlessness, and caused me to continue. At least for 40 minutes anyway.
.
The strange thing was, that I had kind of predicted this would happen!
Both no one showing up, as well as me totally “overthinking” it.
. I predicted it, although laughingly, because the topic of I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, is obviously so sexual I totally understood people feeling uncomfortable attending.
. But I also predicted that I would think this through, until I had gotten down to the core of its meaning.
.
Because I started the live stream with the Mick Jagger quote about financial, sexual, philosophical satisfaction, stating that – as opposed to Mick – I scored a full 100% on philosophical satisfaction. That over the years I had thought so long and hard, over many of the underlying very philosophical and psychological mechanisms, that you can ask me anything about anything, and I ll know the answer. I will be able to cut to the core of whatever it is you have trouble with, and I will discover where you have lost your power, which is always at the root of every problem. And then I will tell you which belief or vision you need to let go off, or what you need to do, in order to immediately regain control over your life.
Suzanne Beenackers, 2020 unreleased live stream yoga class.
“I m philosophically satisfied. And not only that, I m filled to the brim,” I said in my introduction to the online class I Can’t Get No Satisfaction. “I really would not know where to store another drop.”
Yet I m writing this blog post on a Wednesday morning, after a yogaclass I did not teach, and about a sex life I do not have.
If I had been in any way serious about being sexually satisfied, I would have spent this Wednesday morning entirely different.
C crisis or no C crisis. .
So I m in my fourth week of teaching the online classes* to friends and former students, and after no one showed up last night, I woke up with this sense of:
“Shouldn’t I make this bigger?”
After all, if I make a real sales page, with people looking for yoga finding this exciting online group, where it’s about Sex and Purpose, and the classes are mixed with popular culture and rock mythology;
If I did that and made it successful, there would never be a Tuesday night ever again, where I didn’t have anyone live there with me.
.
But I could feel the pull, the shift in energy, immediately.
First off, between yoga teacher “me” and artist me. .
Yoga teacher me, is someone who still feels the need to “sell yoga”. To offer something that resembles what people expect when going into a yoga class.
To Yoga Teacher Me, adding Mick Jagger or Jon Bon Jovi into the mix of what it is I teach, is nothing more than an accessory.
Yoga Teacher Me is very conservative and tends to think: “That’s all fine, have a little fun. Just don’t take it too far.” .
Whereas Artist Me, immediately thinks:
“Oh really? You know what, I M GONNA TAKE IT TOO FAR! You leave me no choice!” .
Artist Me rebels against any and all limitations.
And she does it hard.
She’ll burn the thing down, if that’s what it takes to get rid of your expectations of what it is she should or should not do.
She ends relationships, friendships, business arrangements.
She starts fires, arguments, she blows things up.
And Artist Me is definitely the one teaching upcoming Thursday’s class:
“Sympathy for the Devil”
In fact, she leaned back, put her feet on the table, interlaced her hands behind her head and said:
“Well, now there’s a class that doesn’t need any preparation!”
.
Artist Me is the devil incarnated, and it’s the most authentic and real part of me.
.
So in hindsight, I understand perfectly, why I could not teach a live stream with no one there.
Yoga Teacher Me would have done it. She would dutifully do her work, that she said she would do. She needed no praise or approval, she didn’t need anybody there, to teach her yoga class. For Yoga Teacher Me it would be enough that someone might enjoy the Replay.
.
And Entrepreneurial Me would definitely have given that live stream class. Because it was paid for (people pay per week) so to Entrepreneurial Me it would not have made much difference if they were present to enjoy what they paid for.
Business is business.
.
The only part of me, and like I said it’s the biggest, most dominant part of me, that has no interest in doing her duty, in meeting expectations, or being paid, is Artist Me. And from an artistic point this makes sense: The art I create can only exist because there is an audience. It’s a very well-known definition of art, to say it cannot exist without it being seen.
And it’s a definition I really like. You could even say that the art comes into being, ONLY because of an audience! In the 80s there was a modern art retrospective at the Groninger Museum, in the Netherlands. And on opening night the managing director of the museum said they had gone over all their pieces: “Is this art?” If it was art, they would not show it. The exhibition only contained pieces which were NOT art! But of course, they immediately became art, the moment they were admitted to the expo. Something similar is the exercise Marina Abramovic has given to her students: Every day, sit down and write an idea on a piece of paper. If it’s a good idea, save it. If it’s a bad idea throw it in a (designated) trash can. After 30 days, bring both; The stack of good ideas and the ideas from the trashcan. She ignored the good ideas and went over the trashcan ideas with her students: Discovering they were all brilliant ideas.
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A yoga teacher teaches what helps her students. An entrepreneur gives what has been paid for. But an artist needs the spectator, to breathe it to life.
An artist cannot work unless you offer him or her your soul.
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Just like the Devil.
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~Suzanne
Yesterday, I created a powerful video on Gimme Shelter. You can find it here at the bottom of this post, or on YouTube.
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
Because although I could not commit to one language, one medium, one craft; I COULD commit to creating.
In fact it was harder not to create, than to just let it flow out of me.
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YouTube videos.
Yoga classes.
Blog posts.
Unofficial blogposts, or “illegal” as I like to call them. Where I used a Facebook page or my LinkedIn profile instead of a website to write, because I didn’t want subscribers to get too many emails.
Every day I created 2 or 3 things.
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Creating daily has firmly planted my feet into feeling absolutely great.
I acknowledge being privileged here, I have little to no worries. But that makes it ( I think) even a bigger responsibility to keep your spirits up.
Creativity keeps my spirits up, but in turn, it also gives me something positive to share.
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So almost from the get go, I understood creativity to be the antidote to a life in solitary confinement. Although with social media and multiple communication tools present, the term “solitary” is of course extremely relative.
But compared to 6 weeks ago we all live in this tiny little world, trapped with our thoughts.
And in that world, I have found Creativity, giving myself permission to write, make videos and teach online classes, is really a great escape.
If you have control over what you create, it suddenly doesn’t matter that much that there’s huge chunks of your life and your future, you have little to no control over.
But yesterday night, during my free-flow, improvised yoga class -where not just the exercises are created at the spot, but the theme itself is given full freedom to develop within the 75 minutes of the class –
I struck upon a wisdom which revealed an even deeper underlying principle, that I had unconsciously be applying.
That was far more extensive than just having something to do.
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It was the aspect of Giving, without wondering how you were going to “get” stay nourished and taken care of yourself. After having spent a large part of the class laying the foundation: To make a decision, to stand your ground, to claim what is yours – all so that your foundation becomes strong enough for you to start inviting people in, and start sharing your gifts- I said: “There is also a quicker way.”
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And I said the quicker way is to simply start giving from wherever it is you are, and whatever it is you have, trusting that you will receive whatever is nessecary for you to function. That it is not up to you to stake your claim, or to defend your resources: It is only your task to share and give, what you feel called to share. And to have faith that you will be taken care of. That the resources will come. That your work, is only in the giving, only in the sharing what you ve got.
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And not only is it quicker: But have you ever wondered, that maybe this is really the only way? How much money were you going to save, how steady does your income need to be, how many crisis or unforeseen circumstances are you going to insure yourself against, before you feel “ready enough” to start giving to others and start sharing your work freely?
It reminded me of how I became a yoga teacher. In 2001, I was doing more than 1 hour of yoga a day, and I was looking for a way to get taught in a way that supported that. At that time there were no medium levels of support: It was either your weekly class, or a teacher training. So I chose a teacher training, without any plans to become a teacher. I just wanted to learn more and get the support. But halfway in our four year training we did learn how to teach, and I immediately was one of the few who started doing it professionally. And it was because of a deep insight: If I teach, I make space in my mind to receive new things. Teaching, verbalizing it to others, is the last stage of understanding it. As soon as I have shared it that directly, the lesson (on my part) is learned and has become part of who I am. And space for the new is created.
It is the giving, that allows you to receive.
You can’t sit on your talents like Scrooge McDuck sits on his money. In year two of my training, it had become evident to me that the way to that made sense to complete this four year education, was to start sharing.
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I think it’s the same way with giving and sharing your work. It is not just in the creation, in the creativity, where the healing comes from. It’s in sharing it. It’s in posting that video I created, publishing that blogpost, but also:
It s in teaching that class, and passing on what I know by teaching yoga.
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You could even say that the reason I feel so good about being creative, is not because of the (narrow minded definition of) creativity at all: It’s because it allows me to share something.
Yoga classes on YouTube and to my online group, and other videos on YouTube and creative writing.
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Jon Bon Jovi and his wife have been very involved through their charity organization JBJ Soul Kitchen, providing meals. They work around the clock, to make this happen, together with a lot of volunteers. “If you can’t do what you do, you do what you can.” Jon Bon Jovi has called it, in a song he keeps adding different verses to which people send in to him.
He’s even sung it in classrooms, with children telling them what to sing.
You can follow Do What you Can on Bon Jovi YouTube and Instagram.
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Four wise words that Jon Bon Jovi figured out weeks before I did:
Do what you can..
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~Suzanne
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
First off, here is the Bounce album on YouTube.
Press Play to get a punch in the gut!
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See, feels good right??!
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It was one of the things that had been in the back of my head for a while, giving me little “What about?” reminders every once in a while.
What about Bounce?
Why did you buy that album?
Was it a coincidence?
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The zeros were Bon Jovi’s most productive decade.
Not only did they produce 5 studio albums, Bounce (2002) being one of them:
They also toured extensively, and had countless Bonus projects going on.
The 4-5 disc box 100.000.00 Bon Jovi fans was released.
Their One Wild Night live cd.
This Left Feels Right, an album with alternative versions to their songs.
And said 5 studio albums Crush, Bounce, It’s my life, Lost Highway and The Circle.
And that’s just what I know by heart, since getting back on the Bon Jovi wagon.
In the decade itself, I wasn’t a fan.
It was as if we lived in alternative universes.
With the exception of one album:
Bounce.
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With Bounce not being particularly memorable, as far as the general opinion goes, and none of its songs being played at any of their recent concerts: Had it then been mere chance this record had come in my possession?
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Interesting question. But not exactly an urgent one, and it was dropped the moment it arose. One day. Maybe. If I feel like it.
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Yesterday I listened to Bounce and it hit me right in the gut. There really are no words to describe what it DID to me – something I only knew from another vastly underappreciated record This House is Not For Sale: It filled my heart with joy, my gut with rage, my life with a strong forward moving force that NO MATTER WHAT- We were not going to back down!
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Don’t get me wrong: I immediately noticed Bounce having weaker moments. And even repetitive elements (just like This House is Not for Sale!) that you could criticize or question. And I decided to spend some more time with the record, and its history. What had happened? What was its context?
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And I stumbled upon The Forgotten History Of The In All Probability Best Bon Jovi Record Ever Made.
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Think August of year X. Bon Jovi had just ended their One Wild Night Tour, and was going to take it easy, musically. There were no plans to go into the studio anytime soon. Now think September 11. The world was shook, and a wave of despair came over us. New Jersey, being close to New York, was heavily hurt.And the band Bon Jovi, known for its anthems and its message of hope, leaped to the rescue, to the frontier, and after their first months of charity work were over, they had many stories to tell.
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“That was my brother lost in the rubble, That was my sister lost in the crush”
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Bounce, Bon Jovi’s 2002 almost forgotten album was the stab in the gut we had all felt in 2001, but they took it and put it to music.
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It was no coincidence that for two plus decades, Bounce was the only Bon Jovi release that immediately made it into my collection.
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And into my heart.
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~Suzanne
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
With the unpredictable cycle of starting business plans and cancelling them;
Rebooting video and letting it fall flat on its face;
Dangling between video and writing
and the impossible choice between two languages.
But also:
The unexpectedly soothing and satisfying experience of becoming a yoga teacher again:
I finally understood what the underlying common demeanor was.
What they key element was, of what it is I DO.
And it’s not either or.
Not even either the work I do under this name, versus the pen name;
An alias account (on Fb since 2010) where I basically stopped writing after C crisis.
With my entire sexuality falling flat on its face, and probably staying there for months if not years to come,
there were no aspects of my life that were even remotely secretive or exciting enough to be written about under a pen name.
But it was not an either or, of any of those things.
As tempting as it is, to simplify life to ONE thing you’re doing, ONE thing you’re selling;
For some of us, that’s not the way we roll.
We don’t know what we’ll be doing the moment our feet hit the floor in the morning, let alone what business we’ll build for years to come.
But I did find the one thing I, and perhaps any other soul who has been wondering how to survive this crisis sanely,
can do to not just get out of this intact.
But to be so engaged in something else that you stop caring about whether or not you do get out.
Something that is so profoundly spiritual, yet so engaging, addictive, COMPELLING! that if they tap you on the shoulder after C. you’ll furiously snap:
“I m busy!!”
And that thing that will save you (if you have it in you, if you are this) that thing is CREATION
It is only in creation and our creativity, that life makes sense. Not because we understand every little detail, but because we’re creating new things.
Like God created the earth;
We too become the creators of our own lives.
The statue on the picture is Shiva:
Creator of Worlds.
But he is also the destroyer of worlds.
Whether Shiva creates more than he destroys?
No one knows.
Maybe the other Gods pitch in, to make up for the damage.
I wrote about Shiva because I have this statue at my studio.
And it wasn’t until later that I heard the story of a studio burning to the ground for no apparent reason,
and its owners “blaming” it to Shiva;
Although I m sure they were smart enough to understand that something else was created.
And that the brick and mortar yoga studio was no longer nessecary to contain it.
Maybe the thriving but fixed business, was standing in the way of the new work the teachers would now start doing.
The moment you stand still and resist change you are like ice:
You can only hope that you won’t melt.
But the moment you become creative, you start your dance with Shiva, in the ring of fire.
You breathe life into life.
You bring unexpected death and destruction.
And people will never know what to expect because you will be ever changing.
As soon as you start creating, you will become Life itself.
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~Suzanne
The Fire Inside is a Bon Jovi song from the 4-5 disc box set 100 million Bon Jovi Fans Can’t be Wrong
You can find the song at the bottom of this post.
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
This is not an easy blog post, and I give you full permission to not read it.
I created an upbeat 8 minute video, today. So I certainly do not intend to make Rock Star Yoga all doom and gloom! And knowing myself, I may actually “snap out of this”! I may suddenly see the light, and move forward in a way like never before. So you’re very welcome to wait until that day, because I appreciate your presence and I am very selective with what I read myself:
If you are here for the days that IT ROCKS!
I send you all the love, and permission to skip, fully granted ❤
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But for me, nor the massive breakthroughs nor the sudden cancellations, happen overnight. A lot of thinking and processing happens before that, and today is such a day.
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In the 8 months Rock Star Yoga exists, I have not doubt it so strongly as today.
And I want to share with you what haunts me.
Why I feel unsure if there is still a place for Rock Star Yoga, in this world.
If there is still a place for me, the truest part of me, as an individual.
I’m sure the toned-down, responsible version of me can make a contribution.
But that’s not the real me.
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Tonight I wrote a post for the Facebook page.
And what was intended to be a short goodnight post, turned into a detailed description of why I suddenly doubt my mission, my purpose, in light of the C crisis.
Why I really have no idea what my purpose is and if Rock Star Yoga did not belong in a world that is now lost.
In one of the many earlier videos of Rock Star Yoga, which I had to delete because YouTube had unedited my 400+ videodatabase, I talked about the difference between creators or creatives versus builders or sustainers. And that although the world is fascinated with creators/creatives, little is understood of our nature. That you can’t educate us, or train us, or ask of us to behave in a different, more constructive way, without damaging the essence of who we are.
Just like a builder/sustainer will never come with something truly creative;
A creator/creative will never come with something truly sustainable.
We, creatives, create and we destroy. That is the nature of who we are. You could say: That is our purpose.
In retrospect, the post I wrote for Facebook, and I will include it exactly the way I wrote it there, is about that difference.
I guess what has been haunting me is:
In a world that became for builders and sustainers, overnight,
do we still create?
Sometimes I feel every update in the last month cries for this particular Gif:
Jon Bon Jovi in the eighties.
I believe it’s from the Wanted Dead Or Alive video.
I could, should maybe one day will, write a blog post on the complexity of ALL of the emotions going on in this three second clip!
But not tonight.
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Because tonight I really do feel like Jon there.
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As if it never ends.
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Like all of us I suppose, I feel confronted with difficult choices every day.
Can I go out? Should I ALWAYS stay indoors?
Can I NEVER see a friend or family member without having to be deeply ashamed of my wildly irresponsible behavior?
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And for how long?
Until there is a vaccine every interaction is going to be scrutinized?
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Despite Dutch government explicitly saying the virus will become a common factor in our daily lives, and that the only reason we are putting a stop on social interactions is because otherwise the hospitals will collapse,
I keep reading comments that imply all citizens should behave as if they are in total lock-down.
Even though government deliberately did not go for a lock-down because it does not believe the virus can ultimately be stopped.
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But on social people who go outside are shamed.
Even though our Dutch regulations say you can go outside, and even meet a friend as long as you are healthy and don’t touch each other.
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So it seems at least to me, that somewhere something doesn’t add up.
Social distance for strangers seems to have been confused with friends and family; And working from home and avoiding crowds was confused with measures instructing a total lockdown.
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Some of you may remember a video I shot two weeks ago, and I m not going to include the link because that’s making it more important than it is, but I have a social phobia.
And it’s taking its toll.
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I, and I can only imagine other people with social phobias as well, do not hear the reasons on which you judge other people.
We hear that you judge.
And we interpret it as:
“If I want this person to be my friend, I need to behave just like he or she insists is the only right way, or I have to be prepared to discuss it.”
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I understand it’s fear.
I understand you’re worried.
I understand you’re probably projecting accusations on things and behaviors you’ve seen that do not have anything to do with me, onto me.
But all that doesn’t make it easier.
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And I wonder how long we are going to look at each other to “be careful” in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones?
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This could take 18 months, before we have a vaccine.
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Are we going to forbid healthy people to go out, for 18 months?
Are we going to prohibit children from playing outside, for 18 months?
Are we going to keep banners on our Facebook profiles “Stay inside” for 18 months?
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And I have a social phobia: Nothing scares me more than the idea that I behave in a way that you will judge me for.
I will stay inside for 18 months, don’t worry.
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So it would surprise me if you would see me change things.
If I would have that conversation on how much time we are prepared to stay in hiding.
I ll hide forever.
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Not because I m afraid of the virus but of your judgement.
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Some of us destroy others, others destroy themselves.
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Two days ago, I destroyed my pen name.
I didn’t want to be the artist I was for 14 years, because she could not breathe in this world.
So I rescued her, and brought her to 1995.
Where she can take solace, for as long as it is needed.
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But Rock Star Yoga?
Man… I don’t know.
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I feel that either I have to pretend Rock Star Yoga is a bonding, unifying practice; vanilla and sweet.
And safe.
In other worlds, I would have to pretend it’s normal yoga.
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Or admit that Rock Star Yoga is rebellious way of doing life, because it ultimately stands for individual freedom.
In a time when everybody is so relieved that we have finally found our collective, that is an unbearable message…
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And that therefor, just like my pen name, I may have to stop Rock Star Yoga.
Because we have enough that disrupts society already.
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Rock Star Yoga was to create awareness that you are a lot more free than you think.
That morals are worth fighting.
I was 15 when I said groups and collective thinking were evil.
I never fitted into groups, I was afraid of them and I found them dangerous. By calling it a social phobia I m taking all the blame ( “Oh it’s me!”) but that’s me being agreeable.
I think it’s very threatening that we are not thinking about our own boundaries and so easily adapt the Your Body Is A Weapon Of Mass Destruction That Should Be Hidden Indoors vision.
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So dead or alive?
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I really, honestly, don’t know.
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~Suzanne .
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
As I m writing this I have no idea if I will make yoga videos tonight;
A Bon Jovi talk?
SURE!
But yoga?
Eh…
From what I recall from yesterday, when I postponed my “We Rule the Night” yoga video (inspired by a rare 1985 Bon Jovi song) to nighttime, only to realize:
I DO NOT rule the night-
Is that I promised myself I d do better today.
And not wait so long.
Because despite the badass ring to it;
My Rock Star Yoga was going to be a daytime thing.
However!
Little did I know, that me finding out I lost my bankcard yesterday, followed by intensive searches both indoor as well as outdoor, tracking back yesterday’s hour long walk;
Combined with a few Corona related choices and forecasts I had to make-
Would lead to me living an entire day that was entirely unforeseen.
But, and this did come true, as soon as I accepted that I lost the card and it was not going to come back-
I made a decision.
That this was going to work in my advantage.
That any financial costs or time investments, would pay themselves back.
That things were happening exactly as they should.
Maybe if my card was found, it would be like a super high end business card! And picked up by someone who would Google me, and would like what he or she saw.
Because I may not rule the night, and not film those yoga videos I promised.
Or toss them out when I do (yesterday’s Rock Star Yoga video ended in the trash bin)
But that’s no reason not to rock life.
When I got home, someone who I had sent a message through LinkedIn two weeks ago, had written me a very kind reply.
In my mind, at least energetically, he was the one who had picked up my lost bankcard, the high level golden business card!
Whatever your unexpected chain of events is today:
Stay calm.
And rock on.
~Suzanne
PS: new Bon Jovi talks and Rock Star Yoga videos are posted at:
One of the most interesting parts for me, when creating the 1995 Bon Jovi concert series on my YouTube, is:
I was on THE VERGE of writing a part deux to a Dutch post I wrote yesterday.
Jon Bon Jovi and his wife have been very involved through their charity organization JBJ Soul Kitchen, providing meals.
The zeros were Bon Jovi’s most productive decade.
With the unpredictable cycle of starting business plans and cancelling them; 
This is not an easy blog post, and I give you full permission to not read it.
Sometimes I feel every update in the last month cries for this particular Gif:
As I m writing this I have no idea if I will make yoga videos tonight;
Rock Star Writer 