With the unpredictable cycle of starting business plans and cancelling them;
Rebooting video and letting it fall flat on its face;
Dangling between video and writing
and the impossible choice between two languages.
But also:
The unexpectedly soothing and satisfying experience of becoming a yoga teacher again:
I finally understood what the underlying common demeanor was.
What they key element was, of what it is I DO.
And it’s not either or.
Not even either the work I do under this name, versus the pen name;
An alias account (on Fb since 2010) where I basically stopped writing after C crisis.
With my entire sexuality falling flat on its face, and probably staying there for months if not years to come,
there were no aspects of my life that were even remotely secretive or exciting enough to be written about under a pen name.
But it was not an either or, of any of those things.
As tempting as it is, to simplify life to ONE thing you’re doing, ONE thing you’re selling;
For some of us, that’s not the way we roll.
We don’t know what we’ll be doing the moment our feet hit the floor in the morning, let alone what business we’ll build for years to come.
But I did find the one thing I, and perhaps any other soul who has been wondering how to survive this crisis sanely,
can do to not just get out of this intact.
But to be so engaged in something else that you stop caring about whether or not you do get out.
Something that is so profoundly spiritual, yet so engaging, addictive, COMPELLING! that if they tap you on the shoulder after C. you’ll furiously snap:
“I m busy!!”
And that thing that will save you (if you have it in you, if you are this) that thing is CREATION
It is only in creation and our creativity, that life makes sense. Not because we understand every little detail, but because we’re creating new things.
Like God created the earth;
We too become the creators of our own lives.
The statue on the picture is Shiva:
Creator of Worlds.
But he is also the destroyer of worlds.
Whether Shiva creates more than he destroys?
No one knows.
Maybe the other Gods pitch in, to make up for the damage.
I wrote about Shiva because I have this statue at my studio.
And it wasn’t until later that I heard the story of a studio burning to the ground for no apparent reason,
and its owners “blaming” it to Shiva;
Although I m sure they were smart enough to understand that something else was created.
And that the brick and mortar yoga studio was no longer nessecary to contain it.
Maybe the thriving but fixed business, was standing in the way of the new work the teachers would now start doing.
The moment you stand still and resist change you are like ice:
You can only hope that you won’t melt.
But the moment you become creative, you start your dance with Shiva, in the ring of fire.
You breathe life into life.
You bring unexpected death and destruction.
And people will never know what to expect because you will be ever changing.
As soon as you start creating, you will become Life itself.
.
~Suzanne
The Fire Inside is a Bon Jovi song from the 4-5 disc box set 100 million Bon Jovi Fans Can’t be Wrong
You can find the song at the bottom of this post.
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
This is not an easy blog post, and I give you full permission to not read it.
I created an upbeat 8 minute video, today. So I certainly do not intend to make Rock Star Yoga all doom and gloom! And knowing myself, I may actually “snap out of this”! I may suddenly see the light, and move forward in a way like never before. So you’re very welcome to wait until that day, because I appreciate your presence and I am very selective with what I read myself:
If you are here for the days that IT ROCKS!
I send you all the love, and permission to skip, fully granted ❤
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But for me, nor the massive breakthroughs nor the sudden cancellations, happen overnight. A lot of thinking and processing happens before that, and today is such a day.
.
In the 8 months Rock Star Yoga exists, I have not doubt it so strongly as today.
And I want to share with you what haunts me.
Why I feel unsure if there is still a place for Rock Star Yoga, in this world.
If there is still a place for me, the truest part of me, as an individual.
I’m sure the toned-down, responsible version of me can make a contribution.
But that’s not the real me.
.
Tonight I wrote a post for the Facebook page.
And what was intended to be a short goodnight post, turned into a detailed description of why I suddenly doubt my mission, my purpose, in light of the C crisis.
Why I really have no idea what my purpose is and if Rock Star Yoga did not belong in a world that is now lost.
In one of the many earlier videos of Rock Star Yoga, which I had to delete because YouTube had unedited my 400+ videodatabase, I talked about the difference between creators or creatives versus builders or sustainers. And that although the world is fascinated with creators/creatives, little is understood of our nature. That you can’t educate us, or train us, or ask of us to behave in a different, more constructive way, without damaging the essence of who we are.
Just like a builder/sustainer will never come with something truly creative;
A creator/creative will never come with something truly sustainable.
We, creatives, create and we destroy. That is the nature of who we are. You could say: That is our purpose.
In retrospect, the post I wrote for Facebook, and I will include it exactly the way I wrote it there, is about that difference.
I guess what has been haunting me is:
In a world that became for builders and sustainers, overnight,
do we still create?
Sometimes I feel every update in the last month cries for this particular Gif:
Jon Bon Jovi in the eighties.
I believe it’s from the Wanted Dead Or Alive video.
I could, should maybe one day will, write a blog post on the complexity of ALL of the emotions going on in this three second clip!
But not tonight.
.
Because tonight I really do feel like Jon there.
.
As if it never ends.
.
Like all of us I suppose, I feel confronted with difficult choices every day.
Can I go out? Should I ALWAYS stay indoors?
Can I NEVER see a friend or family member without having to be deeply ashamed of my wildly irresponsible behavior?
.
And for how long?
Until there is a vaccine every interaction is going to be scrutinized?
.
Despite Dutch government explicitly saying the virus will become a common factor in our daily lives, and that the only reason we are putting a stop on social interactions is because otherwise the hospitals will collapse,
I keep reading comments that imply all citizens should behave as if they are in total lock-down.
Even though government deliberately did not go for a lock-down because it does not believe the virus can ultimately be stopped.
.
But on social people who go outside are shamed.
Even though our Dutch regulations say you can go outside, and even meet a friend as long as you are healthy and don’t touch each other.
.
So it seems at least to me, that somewhere something doesn’t add up.
Social distance for strangers seems to have been confused with friends and family; And working from home and avoiding crowds was confused with measures instructing a total lockdown.
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Some of you may remember a video I shot two weeks ago, and I m not going to include the link because that’s making it more important than it is, but I have a social phobia.
And it’s taking its toll.
.
I, and I can only imagine other people with social phobias as well, do not hear the reasons on which you judge other people.
We hear that you judge.
And we interpret it as:
“If I want this person to be my friend, I need to behave just like he or she insists is the only right way, or I have to be prepared to discuss it.”
.
I understand it’s fear.
I understand you’re worried.
I understand you’re probably projecting accusations on things and behaviors you’ve seen that do not have anything to do with me, onto me.
But all that doesn’t make it easier.
.
And I wonder how long we are going to look at each other to “be careful” in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones?
.
This could take 18 months, before we have a vaccine.
.
Are we going to forbid healthy people to go out, for 18 months?
Are we going to prohibit children from playing outside, for 18 months?
Are we going to keep banners on our Facebook profiles “Stay inside” for 18 months?
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And I have a social phobia: Nothing scares me more than the idea that I behave in a way that you will judge me for.
I will stay inside for 18 months, don’t worry.
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So it would surprise me if you would see me change things.
If I would have that conversation on how much time we are prepared to stay in hiding.
I ll hide forever.
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Not because I m afraid of the virus but of your judgement.
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Some of us destroy others, others destroy themselves.
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Two days ago, I destroyed my pen name.
I didn’t want to be the artist I was for 14 years, because she could not breathe in this world.
So I rescued her, and brought her to 1995.
Where she can take solace, for as long as it is needed.
.
But Rock Star Yoga?
Man… I don’t know.
.
I feel that either I have to pretend Rock Star Yoga is a bonding, unifying practice; vanilla and sweet.
And safe.
In other worlds, I would have to pretend it’s normal yoga.
.
Or admit that Rock Star Yoga is rebellious way of doing life, because it ultimately stands for individual freedom.
In a time when everybody is so relieved that we have finally found our collective, that is an unbearable message…
.
And that therefor, just like my pen name, I may have to stop Rock Star Yoga.
Because we have enough that disrupts society already.
..
Rock Star Yoga was to create awareness that you are a lot more free than you think.
That morals are worth fighting.
I was 15 when I said groups and collective thinking were evil.
I never fitted into groups, I was afraid of them and I found them dangerous. By calling it a social phobia I m taking all the blame ( “Oh it’s me!”) but that’s me being agreeable.
I think it’s very threatening that we are not thinking about our own boundaries and so easily adapt the Your Body Is A Weapon Of Mass Destruction That Should Be Hidden Indoors vision.
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So dead or alive?
.
I really, honestly, don’t know.
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~Suzanne .
Update
In June 2020, I renamed this site from Rock Star Yoga to Rock Star Writer.
I ll update all blogposts (there are 46) and will get my fingers into the YouTube channel soon, including retrieving content I had to take down in January because of technicalities.
These blog posts will go out randomly, as topics reveal themselves.
You can find the subscription button on this page, probably somewhere on the right.
* sadly enough all referrals/ links to the Rock Star “Yoga” page on Facebook (url), have become invalid. I intend to start curating this blog, and update the links.
As I m writing this I have no idea if I will make yoga videos tonight;
A Bon Jovi talk?
SURE!
But yoga?
Eh…
From what I recall from yesterday, when I postponed my “We Rule the Night” yoga video (inspired by a rare 1985 Bon Jovi song) to nighttime, only to realize:
I DO NOT rule the night-
Is that I promised myself I d do better today.
And not wait so long.
Because despite the badass ring to it;
My Rock Star Yoga was going to be a daytime thing.
However!
Little did I know, that me finding out I lost my bankcard yesterday, followed by intensive searches both indoor as well as outdoor, tracking back yesterday’s hour long walk;
Combined with a few Corona related choices and forecasts I had to make-
Would lead to me living an entire day that was entirely unforeseen.
But, and this did come true, as soon as I accepted that I lost the card and it was not going to come back-
I made a decision.
That this was going to work in my advantage.
That any financial costs or time investments, would pay themselves back.
That things were happening exactly as they should.
Maybe if my card was found, it would be like a super high end business card! And picked up by someone who would Google me, and would like what he or she saw.
Because I may not rule the night, and not film those yoga videos I promised.
Or toss them out when I do (yesterday’s Rock Star Yoga video ended in the trash bin)
But that’s no reason not to rock life.
When I got home, someone who I had sent a message through LinkedIn two weeks ago, had written me a very kind reply.
In my mind, at least energetically, he was the one who had picked up my lost bankcard, the high level golden business card!
Whatever your unexpected chain of events is today:
Stay calm.
And rock on.
~Suzanne
PS: new Bon Jovi talks and Rock Star Yoga videos are posted at:
From October 1988 to February 1990, Bon Jovi toured the world with their Jersey Syndicate Tour.
They visited North America, South America, Australia and New Zealand, Japan, Europe; And they created three music videos and one music documentary.
Which could have their last because the tour schedule was so gruesome, and all band members so exhausted, that it would probably have been their last tour and the band would never have gotten back together, if they had finished it one day later..
I saw Access All Areas once, must have been nine months ago or something. And I remember that it was actually quite painstaking to get all the different parts together at YouTube. But now I found this Spanish subtitled version, which has the entire documentary. There is no DVD.
After the 90s, when Access All Areas was released on VHS, the DVD was only supplied in the New Jersey Super Deluxe (not regular Deluxe) reissue box, from 2014.
I think being able to rewatch Access All Areas all in one piece will already make a huge difference, compared to the scattered experience from last spring. But there is another reason why I know it will be different this time, rewatching it; I found the structure behind it.
.
In preparing the video I shot today – one I ultimately deleted when I was editing it, because my psychedelic glitter top was hypnotizing the viewer – I had encountered the Wiki page that explained the structure of the documentary; What and where.
I think it will make a great manual to (re-)watch this documentary Access All Areas.
.
I like structures. Usually I create them myself. For example I categorized all Bon Jovi albums and all songs per decade, for my Bon Jovi series on YouTube.
.
But to complement this pret-a-porter Bon Jovi content list I found, I added dates from their tour schedule.
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You can find the documentary at the top of this page.
And here is its content:
<text continues below>
.
1. Introduction 2. Show #3 / Dublin, Ireland – 1 Nov 1988 3. Show #9 / Rome, Italy – 14 Nov 1988 4. Italian TV Show 5. Behind The Iron Curtain 6. Moscow Music Peace Festival – 12, 13 Aug 1989 7. First Leg European Tour – Nov/Dec 1988 8. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – 26 Jan 1990 9. Tokyo, Japan – 31 Dec 1988/ 1 Jan 1989 10. All Star Jam, Wembley Arena, England – Dec 1988 OR Jan 1990 11. In Store Signing / London, England 12. Berlin, Germany 13. Nordhoff Robbins Music Therapy Benefit 14. Sydney, Australia – 2, 3, 4 November 1989 15. The Homecoming 16. Rare Club Dates 17. Show #232 / The Last Gig – 17 Feb 1990 18. “Livin’ On A Prayer” 19. Credits
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I will be watching the documentary again, and hope they have added dates in the documentary. And that mine was incorrect. Because if my dating is right, it sure explains why I didn’t “understand” the documentary the first time; They seem to have changed the chronological order.
.
Which immediately shows the downside of being so determined to “figure everything out”. To dig and dissect until you understand the underlying structure, so that you can put it back together again;
Some things are like love. Or God. They cannot be understood. Only felt.
..
~Suzanne
PS! I will create another video tomorrow. And will remember to wear a different shirt 😉 Have you subscribed toRock Star Yoga YouTube yet? I create Bon Jovi inspired Rock Star Yoga talks + yoga videos
PPS Let’s rock it together! The subscription button is somewhere on this page, usually on the top right, and we’re on:
A while ago (I looked it up, it was 2012) a book was published which promised to transform your life before 8 A.M.
Originally I thought this was a brilliant idea.
Who would not want that?
Until I discovered applying The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod included doing an hour of All The Things I Don’t Want to Do before 8 A.M.
And that the time-slot was problematic for me.
.
I was never home before 10.30 P.M and the only time I went to bed before midnight was the half year I had a boyfriend who wanted to have a call every night at 11.15 PM.
I would unwind with a vengeance in 45 minutes flat, so that I was in pj’s in bed, by the time he called.
I know it would sound much better if I said I was naked or only wearing a red G-string, but sexy sleeping is one of those on-and-off things for me.
And one that’s usually off.
.
Aside from that brief period in my life where my lover provided me with a sensible bedtime, I never got to bed before 0.30 AM.
There was no way I was going to transform my life first thing in the morning, unless a boyfriend was going to plan that out for me.
In which case it would last 6 months.
.
But it wasn’t just that Hal Elrod’s ambitious kick start to the day conflicted with my nightly teaching schedule.
It was also because I genuinely dreaded the tasks I was supposed to do.
Something Hal referred to as:
“best practices, developed over centuries of human consciousness”
Well not Suzanne’s consciousness.
I m not going to start my day with a glass of water, meditation, affirmation, visualization, reading, journaling, yoga;
And call that the life I want.
It’s actually a spot on description of a life I will avoid at all costs.
But (again) it is more than that.
.
The reason Hal Elrod’s morning routine, just like 5 step processes or How To- books AND also regular yoga, will fail to impress the creatives, the driven entrepreneurs, the full-on high level badasses of the world who are stoked about life and everything in it?
Is the passivity of it all.
The stillness.
Nothing is created, so therefor it will never satisfy us.
.
I can only imagine that for some people spending their entire morning on inner-work and reflection must work out great, because morning meditation and yoga are thousands of years old, and people have called The Miracle Morning life changing.
So I will take their word for it.
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And, get ready for this – and this will require an extremely flexible mind and paying attention, but it is crucial to understand- It’s not that I don’t journal.
It’s not that I don’t do yoga.
It’s not that I don’t visualize or do affirmations.
But it comes from an entirely different place, and it is something that buzzes with excitement and is so tightly knit to my goals and dreams that it is an effortless, ever changing, don’t-even-have-to-think-about-it, stream of consciousness and activities.
That I have done for 10+ years by now.
.
It is also the reason I at one point stopped doing yoga because I didn’t want to “calm down and relax”.
Why would I want to leave that place at the top of the mountain where you just feel really really good about life?
Why would I come down from feeling great?
What was there to relax from?
.
So the key difference between Hal Elrod’s Miracle Morning routine, regular, standard journaling, and so on and so forth, and what I teach; Is that I make sure I only do things that GIVE me energy. That is what gets me up every morning super excited to start my day.
Currently I have slowed down my morning routine by watching Sex and the City having breakfast and cuddling the cats. But for years I just took my breakfast behind my computer and started writing. And maybe I ll switch back some day, because it’s certainly the most natural thing for me.
.
So before I share my rock star morning routine and also tell you the real secret to creating the life you want (one no one seems to understand) here’s the first big takeaway:
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DO the things that give you energy STOP doing the things that drain you.
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Kicking yourself to the gym every day? Christ! Do you know what else you could be doing with all the energy? Probably save the world and everybody on it. Activities you do for yourself should GIVE you energy, not drain you. Not even initially (although I will nuance that later).
But in general, you should be extremely excited over all the things you do in your life. And if you don’t feel that; Reframe it, rewrite it in your head. Find a way so that you CAN feel excited about it. Attach a big goal to it. Make it a challenge. Turn it into a quest. But do not start doing that activity, feeling all yucky because it’s like energetically rolling around in your own dirt. You first need to elevate your energy, until you’re pumped to go do that thing.
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Last week I drew back from what I will call “The Only Job I Ever Really Wanted”. Not because I didn’t want it anymore but because it had been two weeks, and I had not heard from them.
The momentum had just disappeared. I had been pumped about it but after two weeks of waiting it was gone. And as effortless as it had been to go all in, that’s how easy it was to pull the plug. Because I refused to let something that had given me energy, turn into something that was draining and basically a struggle.
Things should not be a struggle.
.
A struggle is if you want something and you’re not getting it. The solution is to stop wanting it, and to believe you will get it if it was meant for you. It was already created by your mind, by wanting it;
There is no more work to be done.
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You just need to stop doing/ actively wanting it, and you need to give it a chance to come to you.
.. You know the saying that you can’t lose what’s really yours because it will always return to you. And if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours. You can’t lose your dream job, your dream partner, your dream life. You only lose the things that were not that.
Have faith. Follow the flow. Follow the energy, and stop digging through the dirt, swimming upstream, pushing shit up the hill, and then needing to relax and reflect on that. No. You need to move the other way, where the energy just flows naturally, and the idea of a yoga class either excites you (because you have some cool ideas on how to rock it!) or it repels you because your purpose work calls you so loudly, there is no way you re going to waste time to slow down.
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After I share my morning routine, I will tell you the other secret, one Hal Elrod doesn’t know either.
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So what is my morning routine?
.
Well my favorite morning routine, or daily routine, is extremely simple and monotonous: Write, write, write, write. I could do it all day, every day, and maybe one day I will give into it. It’s an addiction of the sweetest kind.
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But I assume that’s not the answer you want to hear.
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So my other daily routine, and one I did not commit to, nor designed, until I understood the secret I will share later, is based on doing things that energize me. Or that are very tightly connected to my goals. I have embedded the “requires (startup) energy” between the effortless activities. effortless/ energizing = e/e requires startup energy = SU Here is my 1 hour Rock Star Routine:
1. e/e 8 minutes – finance. Check back statements/ pay bills/ log expenses 2. SU 8 minutes – journaling. Write out affirmations, all present tense. I am/do/have 3. SU 8 minutes – work on publishing my books. This is the most difficult activity for me, where I have the most resistance around 4. e/e 8 minutes fitness -listening to Bon Jovi 5. e/e 8 minutes stretching/ yoga – listening to Bon Jovi 6. e/e Write for the remaining hour to unlimited, depending on how much time I have.
Why doing small/ 8 minute tasks is critical
(the secret even Hal Elrod doesn’t know)
One of my biggest rationalizations to not do Hal Elrod’s morning routine, was that I don’t like small tasks and switching. I work from flow, and unless I have at least half an hour, I don’t feel like doing it. To cut my life up in 10 minutes chunks seemed unappealing and highly ineffective. No one gets anything done in 8 minutes. And although I still find it unappealing – it will never replace the flow of writing – I eat my words on calling it ineffective. Doing a tiny bit of something is VERY effective. You know why? Because you create from the mind. If you do it right that is. Which is by treating these “activities” not like an activity – as if you’re ticking off a to-do list – but like mindset work or like performing a magic ritual.
The 8 minute activity is the magic, the ritual creating your future.
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My financial future is not created from what I do in those 8 minutes – but from the mindset of being in touch with my own finances, and connecting to my dreams and goals in that field.
My body is not reshaped because I do my exercises, but because it reminds me of my health and fitness goals.
It is not the journaling as in blindly copying yesterday’s affirmations and writing them out another day; It is starting fresh, writing out the affirmations that come up that day. You should never have to refer back to yesterday’s page to know what your goals are, you should just let them come up and the real goals will come.
..
It all ties in with what I call Rock Star Yoga: An intuitive practice where you just put on a Bon Jovi album, tune in with what’s inside, and move your body the way it wants to. Someone could write out exactly what it is you do, or what I do, how we move our bodies on the yoga mat and how we’ve spend the 1 hour 5 minutes of “Keep the Faith”; But it was never about that.
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It was the tuning in, that got us the experience. The tuning in, is the magic.
.
Tuning into an area of your life, will get you do results. Not what you do.
..
So now create your own morning routine. What are the areas you want to focus on in your life? As a reminder, mine were: – creating a future/ life of my dreams: which made me include journaling and writing – becoming a famous author (under my pen name): which made me include publishing my books – creating the body of my dreams: fitness and yoga – upleveling my finance: checking in my bankaccount daily. Which highly energizes me, so I could have included it just for that reason only..
Keep track of which activities are effortless/ energizing = e/e or:
require startup energy = SU
Naturally, to make it fun and a “Hell yes!” routine, include as few SU’s as possible, and as many fun, energizing activities as you can. Maybe you first want to design and implement a Rock Star morning with energizing activities, and without any activities you don’t like.
So to rock your morning and create a Hell Yes! routine that will get you out of bed all excited:
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1. do things that RAISE YOUR ENERGY
And that are completely effortless!
Design your routine in a way that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning.
.
2. implement extra activities to CREATE FROM THE MIND
On any and all other areas in your life, that matter to you.
.
Keep on rocking.
.
~Suzanne
Let’s rock it together! The subscription button is somewhere on this page, usually on the top right, and we’re on:
Jon Bon Jovi is currently visiting the UK and giving interview after interview for British radio and TV. I expect, without bursting into tears.
This is my longest video series to date, and I actually already shot three of these videos yesterday.
Working until midnight.
And after going to bed, guess what? I GOT BACK UP! In the middle of the night, I deleted everything from YouTube. and adjusted the previous blog post, taking out a coaching offer.
Everything had suddenly felt SO wrong. Afterwards I slept like a baby.
So what had happened?
Well, after a tumultuous Tuesday, I had sat down and broke down everything I had learned and decided I was going to turn up the heat. I spent hours filming, redoing, uploading. But the reason I found myself jumping out of bed and frantically taking down EVERYTHING I had created, is because sometimes topics are so hard, that you are not satisfied with how they come out initially.
That the truth is there, but the “Story” is not. Not yet.
So I started from scratch and redid all my work today, and yes. They’re spot on now. Still uncomfortably honest, and I may go out the moment I post them, to get my mind off them- but this is the way they’re supposed to be.
~ Suzanne
Here they are: 4 different videos with Bon Jovi titles. And moving through the decades, like we always do.
On finding out I had been playing small creating yoga videos (!!)
And had also left way too much space for playing small after a social hiccup.
What we can all learn from this 2nd album from Bon Jovi, which was a do or die moment in their career, is that if you meet resistance or if things don’t feel right, the answer is never to play it safe and play small;
But to turn up the heat, and go bolder and bigger.
The Fire Inside is from 5 disk set “100.000.000 Bon Jovi fans can’t be wrong” and was dated back to the 90s. The song is about creative passion.
This video is on how I had marginalized my purpose work (the fire inside) to being this thing I was going to PLAN OUT (??!!) at taking place in 1 hour and 45 minutes on weeknights.
Remembering Freddie Mercury in the movie Bohemian Rhapsody, when he is told off for being late: “I’m a performer, darling, not a Swiss train conductor.”
Ending by looking forward (although that might not be the appropriate choice of words here!) to the third video, and how it was already quit the ordeal yesterday.
Oh, the biggie. This week I discovered something about my sexuality, that ran a lot deeper than anecdotal events and stories which I may or may not have shared. I discovered the one major thing, that will always make my sexuality threatening to others.
I knew we’d one day need to talk about the amazing Katrina Ruth
What about now?
Because just as I had planned shooting my “What about now” video on YouTube,
where I would cover how important it is to stay connected to your higher vision NOW so that you can do the work even at times when it’s hard,
exactly how Bon Jovi created their studio album What about now in the midst of struggle,
a question popped up on Katrina Ruth’s page:
Q:
What was it from all of her programs and teachings that had impacted us most?
I answered that above all else, it was how she taught us to BE at the level you want to live your life, before you move a finger.
That being connected to your highest vision, comes before anything else, and that ultimately THAT is what will get you the results.
And if you want to be the first to know how this bold statement has anything to do with living life at rock star level?
There has been a fail in YouTube editor, which has “unlocked” the unedited versions of 5 years of content.
This was a blessing in disguise. I see it as YouTube making a management decision to give me a fresh start.
But this did mean I could no longer curate what would stay up and what would not –
and had to take everything down, except the videos from this new series.
My new Rock Star Yoga project means one wisdom/ lesson/takeaway from every Bon Jovi song known to man.
To receive new episodes in your email, subscribe to this blog.
The button is somewhere on this page,
probably on the right.
Rock Star Yoga is based on principles of being your own teacher, raising your energy, using your body as your instrument, and full creative freedom in your practice.
If you would like to practice with a teacher first, here are my recommended resources:
The first weeks of this year have been straining because they were lonely, yet at the same time highly satisfying.
I would even argue solitude was the only thing that was going to purge my life of everything that was ultimately just clouding my vision, and kept me from seeing what needed to be seen.
And also from everything that was keeping earlier insights from becoming ingrained into my daily life. From becoming part of who I am, to the point where to-do lists are no longer needed of what your daily routines are.
Just like you don’t need to write down you have to brush your teeth.
But like I said:
A massive amount of solitude was needed for that.
If I had not been so sure this intense period was required to change me, I would not have lasted.There are plenty of things I could have done to come back up to surface noise level, where things could be “done” in order to solve the problems. I could have rebooted my social life, go to museums and expos in other cities. I could have gone looking for work, since I already knew that even when my writing will make me more money that I can spend in a lifetime, I do not want to “be” a writer.
I want a normal job.
It was particularly tempting to make looking for a job a priority, and instead I held the course.
I looked loneliness in the eye, the void where my profession as a yoga teacher had once been, the place where my lover had been, the place where all the friends I had lost along the way had been, and I said:
“Show me what I need to know. Show me what I need to understand. Show me my purpose and my true path.”
It had been twenty years, since the last time I let myself come this close to the cliff and looked down. But regardless of what you learn or see, it is an extremely empowering experience to not run or fix things and just be where you are. On a cliff.
With your eyes open.Something I would not have to explain to Jon Bon Jovi is how much fun it is to work in an all-male team.This morning my lessons went from big, abstract principles I had learned this year, into practicalities and priorities.
And I noticed something strange and funny!The activities “doing yoga” and “working between men” were interchangeable. I only needed one of the two, on a daily basis.
And yoga, was part of a much broader category, of activities that could substitute yoga. Or working between men.Cleaning my house.Beautifying/ taking care of my body.And being with a lover.Being with a lover is a tricky one. It’s not really fair to put it up there, but I did choose to make it explicit, so that I don’t say No because I think I need to clean my house or do yoga or something.Maybe I get so busy, my brain gets fried, and then someone special says: “Would you like to meet tonight?” and my fried brain answers: “I really can’t”
Thinking: “I need to do yoga.”
To prevent that, I put “Seeing a Lover” in the yoga/body/house category.But the reason being with a lover does not count as one activity, is that I do beautify and take care of my body before I would go see him, so it should count as double. Triple if he comes over to my place, and I clean the house.
No wonder seeing a lover made me feel so good.But I kind of knew why dates with my lover had felt so good, so that wasn’t my big Aha!
No, what struck me as odd after writing out the 7 Major Things, in their correct order, I could rewrite it with a big OR in between two of them.
It was between work (originally at #4) OR yoga/body/house/lover (originally at 6).My ideal job, where I will stay for the rest of my life, is among men.
And we work in a team creating something together, so it’s not (for instance) like a sales team, where we each have our own client base.
It’s also not a shared work space for creatives, where I work my own business as a writer/ entrepreneur;
Because then we don’t work together.As I adjusted the list of daily activities, adding a big OR and adding my number 1 which I had forgotten – “Sit with cats”; I let it all sink in, and realized there was another big one, which also didn’t need to get done, as long as I had a great place to work.
I wasn’t 100% sure about this one..
But enough to make the leap.
It was writing.Not the daily writing of smaller posts, 1 hour blog posts, or reposting something with a new quote, or from a new perspective.
Those are my “breath” and butter and need to get done every day even if the world would stop turning and humanity would cease to exist.
You could not stop me from doing that, even if my life depended on it.
No, I mean writing big stuff.
The four to seven hour stuff.
Like this one.
I realized that too, was an OR thing. Not an AND!Ultimately my original list of 7 Daily Things to stay happy and on track, had 3 activities or areas of my life, where I only needed one a day.
Either I would work between men.
Or I would take care of my body/yoga/house/see a lover.
Or I would write a blog post for multiple hours.
One out of three, was more than enough.
Daily To-Do List, based on core values and goals 2020
sit with the cats
mindset work: listen to audio/ YouTube/ journal
write small post/ repost social media
track my finances, revenues and expenses
write long post OR work between men OR do yoga/house/body/see lover
(optional) social/ fun/friendships
(optional) publish my books
Creating Peak Experiences
For better or worse, number 1-5 must all get done in order to feel accomplished. There is no way I can cut corners here, it will feel sub-optimal at best.
But most likely it will make me feel terrible.
The last time I remember being absolutely fine not doing 1-5 was when I had a Bon Jovi concert.
These were my days for about four weeks straight, I d say:1. sit with cats 2. my mindset work was omnipresent but it was all related to Bon Jovi videos, interviews, writing about Bon Jovi, making videos about Bon Jovi and so on 3. I didn’t use my phone or post to social media at the concert itself, but was extremely productive writing and making videos for my pen name accounts. I did not post anything under my real name, since my mind was 100% English speaking and not in tune with my Dutch work (I didn’t have this Rock Star Yoga blog yet) 4. I did not track any finances. It even became the only time I forgot my payments. For weeks before and after the concert I was just not present in my personal finance at all.
5. I wrote many posts about Bon Jovi, all under my pen name
6. Not much social activity and I attended the concert by myself.
7. publishing books? I didn’t even know how many syllables that wereSo the weeks around the Bon Jovi concert show what happens to the dailies, when I want a peak experience.
I stuck to the routines that served me, but they were completely colored to Bon Jovi. I dropped the rest. It could have caused problems because I was definitely not paying any attention to anything else.
I risked it.And we’re 7 months later, and I still think so warmly about that Thursday June 13.
If Bon Jovi comes back (and I expect they will in 2021 or 2022) I will adapt the routine again and take a minimum of two weeks off from work, one week before and one week after, to give myself full experience of it again. So although I have now formalized everything I want to do each day, I will not make the mistake of being rigid. I think the value of having such a list, is that it prevents you from unconsciously creating a life that is not in line with your values, or simply with what you need to function as a human being.It makes it explicit what the cost will be, if you answer to everything and everyone who wants or even needs your attention.
Just knowing you’re at the equivalent of sacrificing a limb, if you throw a Sunday at something which is not in your top 5, is already a big win.
But if Jon Bon Jovi asks you over for tea, all you need to do is give the cats a big cuddle and you’re ready to go.Never say No to a peak experience.~SuzanneYou can subscribe to Rock Star Yoga through this blog,
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My name is Suzanne Beenackers, but I also work under a pen name.
I ve been a fan from Bon Jovi since 1986, and consider their record Slippery When Wet, and in particular the first track Let it Rock, my initiation. Not at the time of course. 14 Year old Suzanne thought listening to that record was an entirely normal thing to do. Even though nobody from her class owned that record, knew that song, nor went to the 1988 Bon Jovi concert on a weeknight on the other side of the country. Fully normal. When in reality? No. Not really.
The Let it Rock intro classifies as “sex on a keyboard” and Jon Bon Jovi ends it on a deep sigh. A combination powerful enough to shake up even the most dormant sexuality. And that’s just the first 1 minute 20 seconds.
In the eighties hard rock was banned and demonized within certain Christian circles and although I find it very unlikely satan would be hiding between the guitar riffs, I do agree now that it’s both sexual and spiritual what happened on that record. Guitars were my first love, and although I ve strayed from the path for 25 years when I was a Madonna fan, I came back to Bon Jovi in 2019. For good.
The Madonna Era 1994-2019
I have questioned why I abandoned my love for rock. But ultimately I understood why I needed to go away. And what happened in those 25 years.
Because where Bon Jovi, Guns N’ Roses and other bands too but only in the form of concerts not so much records, brought me the experience of sex, the energy of it; Madonna taught me WHO I WAS. My interest in her was an identity one. I liked her music because I liked her. She was expressing herself, including her sexuality, through her music. So I listened to her music to get to know her. But the only record that really got under my skin was Ray of Light; Her only album that heavily features electric guitars.
For 25 years I explored, developed and identified myself through her, and in 2019 in the half year working up to a Bon Jovi concert, the first one since 1988, I felt I was leaving Madonna behind. The concert was on the 13th of June, and she released her new record on Friday the 14th. I never listened to it. There was such clarity that “our time together” was over, if you can say something like that about an idol being in your life. I now know who I was and where I belonged: With rock.
Yoga in the modern world
Madonna brought me many things, but the most apparent one was that she inspired me to start yoga. In the 90s yoga in the Netherlands was the domain of pregnancy yoga, done on sleeping bags in community centers, and a magazine with Eastern oriented scholars sharing their wisdom printed in black and white with a yellow cover. Yoga was done responsibly but it was also a bit boring. Not to say hopelessly uncool. When Madonna did her 1998 promotion for her album, it revolved heavily around her finding yoga after the birth of her daughter Lourdes and how she had gotten back into shape with it. She had a lean, muscular body to prove it. This is how yoga was put on the map of the modern world, where it has stayed from that moment on. And it was from here, that my love for yoga was also sparked.
This story illustrates how I adopted the idea of yoga, before I started doing yoga. I have always referred to 1998 as the year when I started doing yoga, until a few years ago I saw in my old agendas that it had actually been late 1999 that I had taken my first class. The reason I remembered it differently was because the idea of yoga was taking shape inside of me. And this (adopting the idea first) would actually become one of the pillars of this blog (the one you re reading now).
Yoga, including Rock Star Yoga, should first be an idea, a concept that you explore and try on like a coat. You make it part of your identity first.
This is not to say that this will be the case for everybody. I know many people who are won over by yoga, by doing yoga. Taking a class, or being introduced to a class by a friend. But that has never worked for me, and because I can’t be alone on this – and because all the people who get on the yoga wagon by experience are already catered to left, right and center – I ve decided to become more vocal about this order in which I have done this, and many things after.
Finding the agendas and realizing the concept of yoga had become a part of me, long before a yoga practice had, became a major insight. That I can do anything by bringing it/ the experience of it, into my vibration. Maybe “in my vibration” is an even better way of describing what I do, than identity. Bringing yoga into my vibration is what I did after Madonna first mentioned it in 1998. Nourishing yoga in my vibration for over a year, is what brought me to pick up taking classes and to start doing yoga daily. And ultimately, yes, yoga did become my identity, when I became a full-time yoga teacher. Until I could feel it slipping away.. First the vibration of it. It felt like I had lost my connection to yoga, like priests who can no longer hear God’s voice. But on the outside it looked the same. I still did my work. Then I lost my own practice. And then my identity when I stopped my group classes in 2018.
Like sand through my fingers, yoga had left me. Life had left me.
Finding Healing
When I bought the ticket to the Bon Jovi show, early December 2018, it felt purposeful. Magical even. It was like the idea of seeing them in June, seven months later, was already casting a spell backwards, over the seven months of waiting. It became this space, this vacuum, in which I could create an entire new life which I could then celebrate with the concert as its highlight. Unfortunately, it turned out the road ahead was not that easy.
December to February were marked by a renovation, moving in and out of my house, not having heating. And the stone cold loneliness of a life without cats. My cat, little Max, had died one year prior. Knowing this highly unpractical renovation was scheduled for my building, and because my yoga business was already coming apart at the seams, I had decided not to take new cats until I had my life sorted out. One year after his death, December 2018-February 2019 were without a doubt the lowest months in my life. Immediately after the renovation, a friend brought me her cat to look after. It was soothing to have that little boy running around my house. Life would only go up from now on.
Early May 2019, on a Tuesday, my sleep-over cat was picked up by his mother in the morning, and in the afternoon my two new cats arrived. They were called Flip and Zaza, and I had been following their story since 2018, and had engaged with the organization that was fostering them, raising money for them, and sharing their posts when they asked for adoption. It was so strange because they were adopted, only to be given back, and then fostered in a place that wasn’t part of the foster families who were participating in having them get adopted. It was like they lived in a bubble, outside of space and time. Until in 2019, after my renovation, they were relocated to a different foster family that was very successful at mediating their cats; And they were brought up for adoption. “It’s Flip and Zaza!” I exclaimed. And I sent them a letter.
It was as if they had been waiting, as if God had been taking care of them, so they would become my babies when I was ready. May 2019, I was ready. My new life could start.
And yoga would be rocked back into my life, with a vengeance.
Let it Rock
I just looked it up, on the accounts under my penname, and after all the delay of the renovation and being miserable, and then the healing when I had the stay-over cat; I ultimately did start studying Bon Jovi, as I intended. Because when I bought the ticket, I had not just seen that entire 7 month period of waiting as one big new years resolution to a better life; I also wanted to get reacquainted with the material, learn the lyrics, set lists, listen to interviews.
I was bringing the Bon Jovi concert into my vibration, long before the actual show. And just like I had done with yoga, two decades before; It worked. Of course it worked.
When I went to that show I knew everything there was to know. From the security procedures, to the lay-out, to the set-list. And I had even “practiced” not eating for prolonged periods of time, because I didn’t intend to waste time buying food on the premises, or use the bathroom. I had set my eye on standing first row, and ultimately, through a combination of almost “beginners luck” (and not knowing about pricey early access procedures and so on), through determination, preparation and a lot of friendly people; I got first row. Damn.
When I got out, my gums were tingling as if I had had really good sex, and I knew I had learned everything I needed to know. And that there was no going back now. But I didn’t know exactly what it was. A few days later, I did.
About Rock Star Yoga
Rock Star Yoga still doesn’t have its finite form, and something tells me it never will. That it will always be a concept, an idea, something that each for his own will figure out. Rock Star Yoga will always be something that you can bring into your vibration, and fit on like a coat. Something to toy with, to nourish, and to ultimately; Become.
There are a couple of reoccurring principles and guidelines that I refer to, as being Rock Star Yoga. Things I find of use, and of importance too. And that are rarely mentioned in regular yoga.
These three pillars of Rock Star Yoga, which are mentioned at the bottom of every blog post, are:
1. raising your energy Through any and all means nessecary. Two big often overlooked sources of energy are Purpose and Sexuality. By limiting these, you are limiting your potential and your energy. Raising your energy also means, to raise your energy through yoga (versus merely focusing on relaxation) or to engage in yoga in order to prepare and support your body to channel these big waves of creative energy.
2. RSY means a fully creative self-practice Versus taking classes, sticking to a schedule or educating yourself in a certain lineage. If you feel unsure where to start, you can find help on YouTube. Yoga with Adriene, is my personal favorite. But there are plenty of other tools around. If/ once you feel safe enough, you can let go, and just let the body express in the way it desires.
3. RSY means your body is your instrument Just look at the way Slash handles his guitar, and an entire new way of looking at, and experiencing, your body, could arise.
Rock Star Yoga was born on that day. In the sun, the rain, and the thunder, of a Bon Jovi concert on June 13th, 2019. Or as Jon Bon Jovi said: “We ve made it all the way through the winter and the summer, in the last two hours.”
We’ve made it all the way through half of my life, since I was a 14 year old girl. Maybe it was her, that was reborn that day.
In the category Least Sexy Compelling Bon Jovi Titles I think “Only Lonely” from their album 7800° Fahrenheit (1985) must rank pretty high. Or, as Jon Bon Jovi introduced the song playing Scheveningen, The Netherlands (The Circle tour): “This is one of the songs we never never never do.”
Depressing titles are not clickbait or as we said in 1985: It just doesn’t sell. And Fahrenheit was not their big breakthrough. That would come with their next album Slippery When Wet.
“I always overlook the second album. Always have, always will.
We had no time to make it and we didn’t know who we were… “ Jon Bon Jovi on 7800° Fahrenheit
Yet it is a fan favorite and I ve seen one fan posting a photo, just last year.
He was over the moon for having his copy of Fahrenheit signed by Jon Bon Jovi.
If I would compare it to Star Wars (which I am) 7800° Fahrenheit was like The Last Jedi:
Some consider it the weakest of the Star Wars movies.
For others it’s a fan favorite who would not trade it for the world.
That, was 7800° Fahrenheit.
There are three songs on Fahrenheit with a similar theme: Only Lonely The Hardest Part is the Night Silent Night All about loneliness, survival of a breakup or otherwise emotionally trying to stay afloat. Fahrenheit is a far cry from the optimistic songs that would become one of Bon Jovi’s most recognizable trademarks.
And yet it was this album in particular, that has sprung to mind multiple times, over the past few months. Because no other Bon Jovi album, describes the void of my last 18 months, as this Bon Jovi album that history forgot.
I usually start counting summer 2018, and then it’s 18 months.
But “it” had set in late 2017, without a doubt. Making it two years of depression, burnout or as I have come to understand it:
An existential crisis.
I had lost everything that defined me or lost my connection to the aspects and people in my life that remained the same. There were very few friendships that survived and two of my best friends migrated.
One in 2017 and one in 2019. I “only” have one friend left nearby. She’s so much like me that we are practically the same person: Driven, passionate and full of purpose. We don’t have casual encounters or weekly Netflix dates. If we meet there is this powerful chemistry. It would be extremely unwise to see each other often, unless the other option is a lengthy pilgrimage to a spiritual guru who will transform your life.
Then we could just plan an extra date and let our inner worlds collide and be home before midnight, fully changed.
But the two friends with whom I had dates that were so lighthearted, watched silly series or could eat french fries meanwhile discussing what the correct amount of mayonnaise is (I was a strong advocate for the 1:1 ratio fries to mayonnaise);
They have left.
I am alone.
However the biggest blow came late last year in December, when my lover broke up with me. This was not so much because there was a frequent get-together I was now missing out on. Nor did any support nor life-changing mental chemistry disappear. I had made sure that when we were together and I had felt us elevating to romantic play and floating on a cloud of happiness I reminded myself: “This is ME. I am doing this too. It is this level where I feel good, but I can get here without him too.”
For five years, like Tom Thumb, I had left a trail of spiritual rocks so that I could always find the way back, to the place where I had been with my lover. So regardless of me feeling very sorry that he left, and that I would be alone there in that place where I had once been with him, it wasn’t losing this ethereal level of existence that worried me. It was losing my identity.
During our affair I had forgotten that of course the biggest blow after a breakup is an identity one. An ego one. I no longer “had” a lover, I no longer “was” a lover. After five years, I was just Suzanne…
Because I didn’t really know how I felt about that I followed the rocks back. Maybe this place where we’d been together, would tell me who I was. Or at least who I had been, during my time with him. Who the version of me had been, there on that elevated plane of existence with him.
And I found her. But she was so strong and so different than I remembered her. I thought the part of myself that had been with him, had been flowy and feminine. Fun, playful, a little submissive. But she was none of those things. She was there by herself, and she was unapologetic and fully at ease. She regretted that she didn’t have anyone to play with, but she knew she was not for everybody and that even if no one else ever came; She was okay with that.
She could be there by herself, forever if needed.
It’s been a month since we broke up, and I feel ambitious and certain.
I have ended teaching yoga, and will go on “merely” as a writer and a publisher.
Suddenly, I was able to wrap up two years of not knowing, that will be remembered for Only Lonely, Silent Night and The Hardest Part is the Night.
Two years which both history and me, will forget.
“All of us were going through tough times on a personal level.
And the strain told on the music we produced.
It wasn’t a pleasant experience… Lance Quinn wasn’t the man for us, and that added to the feeling that we were going about it badly.
None of us want to live in that mental state ever again.
We’ve put the record behind us, and moved on.”
Jon Bon Jovi on 7800 Fahrenheit
Maybe my lover was not the man for me. And I would have gladly skipped the two years that were the worst period of my life. But 17 months after 7800 Fahrenheit, Bon Jovi brought out their third album. It was their breakthrough and the #1 best-selling album of 1987. Slippery When Wet.
Sounds like this will turn out great.
~Suzanne
Rock Star Writer
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January 2021 This site started in 2019 as Rock Star Yoga, and this post from January 2020, concluded with this paragraph :
About Rock Star Yoga
The three pillars of Rock Star Yoga are:
1. raising your energy
Through any and all means nessecary. Two big often overlooked sources of energy are Purpose and Sexuality. By limiting these, you are limiting your potential and your energy.
Raising your energy also means, to raise your energy through yoga
(versus merely focusing on relaxation) or to engage in yoga in order to prepare and support your body to channel these big waves of creative energy.
2. RSY means a fully creative self-practice
Versus taking classes, sticking to a schedule or educating yourself in a certain lineage.
If you feel unsure where to start, you can find help on YouTube. Yoga with Adriene, is my personal favorite. But there are plenty of other tools around. If/ once you feel safe enough, you can let go, and just let the body express in the way it desires.
3. RSY means your body is your instrument
Just look at the way Slash handles his guitar, and an entire new way of looking at, and experiencing, your body, could arise.
With the unpredictable cycle of starting business plans and cancelling them; 
This is not an easy blog post, and I give you full permission to not read it.
Sometimes I feel every update in the last month cries for this particular Gif:
As I m writing this I have no idea if I will make yoga videos tonight;
A while ago (I looked it up, it was 2012) a book was published which promised to transform your life before 8 A.M.
Rock Star Writer 